BUT... and this is a big but... in the midst of all of this digging and searching and trying to figure it all out, some really great things have come about for me. It gave me a huge opportunity to step back and really think...
"Okay, if I associate being married with having worth and I associate it with a very strong way of being loved...or rather proof that I am worthy of love...well then, what happens if I don't get married?"
Does that mean I am not worthy of being loved?
Serious question here and it required a serious, honest answer. In having that realization I was able to stand back and really evaluate how I view myself and how I think a lot of single women view themselves as "damaged" goods or unworthy. I think it started sinking in for me before I headed out to Colorado but it definitely settled in during my trip there... just how much I had internalized that thought process.
I have to say that I have been so incredibly blessed with some amazing people in my life who have been able to build me up and show me my worth. Really, more than anything my group of friends and Ami and her family have been probably the biggest factors in realizing.... wow, I am worthy of being loved... and you know what I am so, so loved!
I know... it might sound trivial and kind of cheesy but coming from an abusive background... it is not something that has come naturally. And I think people who have been victims of abuse struggle perpetually with feelings of worthlessness.
So, all that to say that I've come to have a completely different view of my singleness. I don't see it as a deficit in my life by any means. I am so, so thankful for it. I love my life and the freedom I have being single and I feel so much more confident in my own skin. I also think it has given me a completely different view of marriage and the purpose of it. I think the original intent of marriage was about creating a community and a family... and I think I have a completely different outlook on what that means for someone like me who has very little family and is also single.
If I was to ever marry it wouldn't be to find the worth that I now know I can only find for myself and in my faith but it would be to have a commitment with someone that I loved and valued... and to create an extension of the community and family I have with the amazing people I hold so dear in my life.
Truthfully, I doubt I'll ever get married... I don't have any interest in searching for someone or dating really and to be really, really honest... I hate weddings (I know, probably the only female in the world who does... but they just really stress me out) I will say though, that if I was to get married this is what my wedding would be like... awesome is all I have to say.
I don't know what the future holds for me but I do know that it is hopeful and happy and there are many doors open and so many possibilities. Especially being a nurse and loving to travel... who knows where I will end up? Single or not... it sounds pretty darn great to me :)