Random Thoughts of an Insomniac

Night shift nursing can be brutal sometimes. I have not had a normal night sleep in months. Right now, it is 5:00 am, I slept yesterday from 6:00 pm until 11:00 pm and now I am trying to pass the time by finishing up research for my last project in school. In August I will finish my BSN program and I will never have to attend school again if I don't want! I will probably end up in a Master's program at some point but for now a girl can dream...

I will also be getting surgery on July 22nd (nothing major, just hand surgery) and will be out of work for a month so I will probably be bored out of my mind the entire month of August. I don't think I have had that much down time since I graduated nursing school in 2009.

Still, I am looking forward to having some time to do some work projects and catch up with friends and house projects. Sleeping during normal hours will be absolutely divine too. Anyone have any good suggestions for good reading? I just finished "A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hosseini and I loved it. I have a few on my list... Unbroken, Game of Thrones... but I am wondering what you all have been reading these days?

Hopefully, I will get some time to do some photography too... especially since I will be a new honorary auntie any day now! :) Can't wait to meet this little one! I will have baby shower pictures coming soon. I swear in my other life I was an event planner... okay not really but I do love hosting parties at my home.. which is honestly strange considering how crazy introverted I am. I think it just gives me a reason to be crafty.

Alright, I'm pretty sure I have 5 Candy Crush lives waiting for me so until next time... send me your book recommendations! 

Life Lately

I should be doing my homework right now but my brain has turned into complete mush... so here I am catching up on a long overdue post. I am warning you now (husband this one is for you) that this post will most likely be full of grammatical errors. Last week I began my technical writing class and I have been completely overwhelmed with my lack of writing skills. I have always known that I am horrible with grammar and punctuation... writing etiquette etc. But what I love about this place is that I don't really care if I write incorrectly. Because this place is where I can write like I think and for me that is fine and dandy. Take that writing teacher! No APA format here, no sir.

On that note... school is in full swing and boy is it way harder than I was expecting. Every week I have a 5-10 page paper due, a quiz, a test, and loads of reading/research for each class and I am taking two of them. One nursing related and one writing class. It's exhausting. Hopefully this program won't completely run me into the ground. One thing I will say though is that so far I am actually enjoying the nursing class. The reading is interesting enough and the assignments aren't full of busy work... only slightly.

On the work front things are steady. Summer is here and so far *knock on wood* it has been survivable. I had my first solo night as charge nurse on the unit the other day. Minus a few documenting technicalities I did well and it was a good night. It was a nice change of pace actually and I am looking forward to being able to grow in that role. The night I worked was incredibly calm so we shall see how I handle it when we have multiple codes and admits. Let's hope my black cloud won't follow me as charge :)

Over the past few weeks Chris and I have made an effort to really start living a more healthy lifestyle. We both have diet changes that need to be made so we have been cooking and grilling at home more. I have been doing a daily food log with the "Tap n' Track" app on my iPhone. Counting calories and making better choices has resulted in apx. a 10 pound weight loss! Considering I gained nearly 30 lbs since I stopped marathon running... I've got about 20 lbs to go but yay for being a 1/3 of the way down. Running has been difficult at times but I am slowly building up my endurance. Right now I'm just focusing on training for my favorite half marathon coming up in October.

These days I am trying to remember to just take every day one step at a time... and that way when life throws me a curve ball... maybe I won't get so upset over it? Well... that's the plan at least. :)

How is life lately for you?

The World of Teaching

Most of the time I live by impossible standards and I know this. I tend to be meticulous about my environment and my work. I am detailed and methodical. I thrive on routine, I hate change and I don't do well with things that are abstract when it comes to many things in my life.
I am an ICU nurse... detail and a well controlled environment are things we tend to need to be successful at our jobs.

Last week I had the opportunity to stand in as a preceptor for a nursing student that has been on our unit for the past few weeks. It was an interesting experience. When I was approached last year about becoming a student preceptor I was hesitant about the work I would have to put in but also eager for the change and the experience. I remember what it was like to be a nursing student and the ability to be an encouragement to someone who was going through the hellish experience of nursing school was something I looked forward too.

Well let me tell you... teaching is not easy... at all. I have always known that I tend to expect a lot out of the people around me. I have to make a conscious effort to not only focus on the criticism but the praise as well. Now don't get me wrong, I love nothing more than to encourage people and inspire them in what they love doing. I do like teaching in the ways where you can see it "clicking"... that moment when you see the light bulb coming on. It's a great feeling to know that you've invested into someone in ways that are so rewarding. The thing with teaching in nursing though... (and this is probably true in the medical world too) is that we are dealing with people's lives here. It's not a normal educational environment.

You don't have the luxury of making huge mistakes. Especially in the ICU. It's a stressful environment and when it comes to being in charge of a student learning how to navigate that world.... man, is it ever exhausting!

After two 12 hour shifts of having this student with me I was completely worn out! I honestly don't know if it is something I would ever like to do on a regular basis. I will say though that I am thankful I was able to give her some great ICU experiences and it was a good lesson in learning to let go. Learning to step back and let someone figure it out without hovering and micro-managing. I guess we can't always be in control. Probably something I should remember if I ever want to be a mom, huh? :)

This Week

This week has been strange. It started off with what was undoubtedly the most insane night shift I have ever encountered. 2 code blues, two e-teams, admits from the ER, emergency intubations,  people pulling out lines, bleeding from all sorts of places.... all in the span of about four hours. It was crazy, but our crew banned together and managed to hold down the fort and make it through the night in one piece.
Two nights later it is about as slow as it gets and I am bored out of my mind. Dealing with a patient who is about as looney tunes as they come. It's 5am and he finally falls asleep... now that it's time to wake up. Awesome.

I applied to school this week. I will hopefully be starting my RN-BSN program come this summer. I need a change. Work is work. It's gotten better for the most part but it is still work. I just feel stagnant. Hopefully school will be a good change of pace.

For the first time in months I started running again. After multiple rounds of antibiotics, steroids and lots of doctor visits I am finally feeling healthy enough to start training again. I have missed this. I have missed that time to myself. I have missed feeling strong. I have missed that burning in my lungs. I am a runner and I have missed it dearly. I'm glad I have it back.

I finished The Hunger Games trilogy over a week ago and I still am actively sad on a daily basis that I don't have it to read anymore. I attempted to find another YA dystopian book to read but haven't been able to get into it like THG and it just makes me more sad. Yes... I am pathetic, I know... but I still miss THG. Anyone else out there feel me on this one?

People have been asking me a lot lately, "How's married life?" to which I reply, "It's good" because the real answer is just way to long and in depth for most people to hear. The real answer is that yes, married life is good but it is also hard and fun and frustrating and challenging and tiring and wonderful and confusing. It is so many things but I think more than anything what I have realized these past few months is that I have absolutely no clue what I am doing. I mean no one teaches you how to be married. People give you advice but you never know what it will be like for you. And what works for other people may not work for your marriage. I have found that more than any other piece of wisdom I have been given... the one thing that has been the most valuable is, "Be gentle with each other... especially during that first year." Thank you Kris for those words of wisdom. It has been a life saver.

7 quick takes Friday

--- 1 ---

Studying is not fun. I have been trying to cram for my CCRN exam (to become certified as a critical care nurse) and to put it plainly... it sucks. I have not been doing well on the practice exams which is incredibly frustrating because I only have a week or so left before the test. At this rate I honestly wonder how in the world I even made it through nursing school. I promise I'm not a horrible nurse, I'm just a horrible test taker.

--- 2 ---

I decided recently that I was going to go back to school for my bachelors degree. (As of right now I only have my ASN) Originally I had planned to go through Cal State Domniguez hills because its online and its geared for nurses who work full time. The program is about 3 years long if you take classes part time which is what I was planning on doing. Luckily my wonderful bff Bethany discovered a program through UT Arlington that offers the same degree with the same credentials but with half the amount of units required. End result = I only have to go to school for 15 months instead of 3 years. (Which I guess is the norm and Cal State DH is just unusually long) Yay for me!

--- 3 ---

I have discovered that the root of all evil is lack of sleep. Seriously there were two days last week were I got over 5 hours of sleep both nights and I literally felt like a different person. A less angry, less irritable, more energetic version of myself and I really enjoyed it. I'm pretty sure my co-workers did too.  Now this week.... a whole different story... back to grumpy Andi :P

--- 4 ---

This week we are trialing new TB isolation room masks. I was the lucky one stuck in the TB room for two days straight which meant that I got to look like a storm trooper for two days.. either that or one of those super sick kids who has to live in a bubble.

--- 5 ---

I finally joined the rest of the iphone user world and got the instagram app and I love it. Took this picture on a drive a few weeks ago and it makes me smile. I love where I live :)

--- 6 ---

This week I have officially met my favorite patient of all time. Him and his wife are truly the cutest and sweetest people I have ever met and they will be getting a post all of their own soon.

--- 7 ---

And since I have nothing else for you I will wish you all a wonderful weekend. My goal is too study and sleep like mad. YAY it's Friday!

 

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

The Bigger Picture

I still remember the first time I encountered the "ugly cry" in nursing. 

I was just starting my clinical rotation during my first quarter in the program and we were working at the nursing assistant level in a local nursing home. I remember the first patient I had and I remember the day that she died. It was incredibly sad but that wasn't the first time I experienced the ugly cry. No, the first time I was overtaken by those debilitating tears was the day I met my first patient's roommate at the nursing home. She had been gone the first few days we were there because she was getting a procedure done and needed to be admitted to the nearest hospital. I had been taking care of my first patient for almost a week when she arrived and I remember being startled as I walked through the door that day.

"I didn't realize there were two people staying in this room." I thought to myself as I backpeddled out the door to check the name on the plate near the entryway. 

I read the name and smiled to myself "That's the same name as my youth pastor from highschool. How funny!" I thought.  It was a common name with a unique spelling and as I walked through the door I instantly realized who I was walking towards. 

It was my youth pastor's mom. I knew he lived in the area and I remember the stories he would tell about her during sermons at youth group or on mission trips to mexico. She had a degenerative disease called MS or Multiple Sclerosis. It's a chronic, incurable, autoimmune disease that affects the central nervous system and causes the person to eventually lose almost all control of bodily functions. Walking, talking, sensation etc. It is a devastating disease and is heartbreaking to watch unfold. 

I remember my youth pastor, Steve telling us about the time his mom wasn't able to make it to the bathroom during one of her most severe MS attacks. She had soiled herself and was trapped on the bedroom floor until Steve came home to find her. Steve had to pick his mom up off the floor and proceed to carry her into the bathroom to clean her up. He described how incredibly humbling it was for them both and despite the awkwardness of the situation, they both chose to laugh about it and make the best of what were awful circumstances. But that was the day they both decided that she would need to be put into a home. I believe she was in her early forties at the time. 

Now here I am, years later, a college student walking into this woman's room, knowing the history of her disease and the affect it had on her family. I felt the air in my lungs starting to escape.

I introduced myself as I walked in and her face completely lit up. She threw her limp arms into the air and reached out to hug me. We proceeded to talk about her son Steve and how much he had impacted my life. I told her about my journey getting into nursing school and my dreams to become a missionary someday... partially inspired by the mission trips I had taken with her son in youth group. 

She was such a beam of light in that room that day. Here I was, this terrified nursing student, dressed in this hideous blue vest that was big enough to fit two of me in the waist but was so tightly wrapped around my hips the bottom buttons were about to pop off. The pockets stretching as they were stuffed with medication guides, notepads and a blood pressure cuff. I was awkward and tired and yet so thankful to finally be in the program after a two year wait. Nursing school was horrendous though and I felt very alone most of the time and was in survival mode all of the time.

I was broken then and on that day, Steve's mom was a ray of hope. 

She was so positive and kind and encouraging. She congratulated me and said I was doing a wonderful job. She even started giving me tips about my patient. Her roommate was a much, much older woman with severe Alzheimer's who would repeatedly whisper, "Where are we?" and "Where are we going?" throughout the whole day. As our conversation carried on I began to take in my surroundings. This was her life. Every day she would wake up to this woman next to her asking, "Where are we?" and she would kindly respond, "We are in our room, my dear." Occasionally she would tack on a chipper, "And in a couple of minutes we are about to watch Jeopardy!"

But that was her every day and it had been her every day for years and will continue to be until the day that MS completely takes over her body and runs its course. 

I finished up my conversation with her and said that I needed to go check in with my instructor.... finding any excuse I could to leave the room before those debilitating tears made their way to the surface for all to see. 

I made my way out to the gardens of the nursing home and managed to make it to the edge of the property where I was invisible before the flood gates hit. I sat there and sobbed uncontrollably for what felt like an eternity. I don't think I can even tell you to this day what it was that triggered that ugly cry. I think it was a combination of things really... the knowledge of Steve and the struggles he went through in putting his mom in the nursing home. Remembering the tears he shed while explaining the difficulties of that decision. The relief I had of finding someone I knew in such an unfamiliar and terrifying place. The release of fear and stress I had been carrying... doubting whether I was really cut out to be a nurse at all. 

Or maybe it was the realization that the world I was in wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. I had my health. I had people who loved me a lot. I had a job and was on my way to becoming a person that could make a difference in the lives of people like her. I was incredibly lucky. 

And yet somehow she managed to be my light that day. She managed to give me hope and encouragement. She made my day infinitely better. She made that clinical rotation infinitely better. In the midst of incredible pain and devastation... she managed to show me the bigger picture that day. 

That no matter what the circumstances... you can choose to have joy... you can choose to be joy.

And really... in the grand scheme of things... life is just too short not to have joy. 

*All pictures taken on the coastal highway in Northern Ireland

Green hills and nostalgia

Road trips always seem to bring out the nostalgic side in me. It's something about the endless miles of road, the music, the people.... or lack thereof, that sends me into a lull of memories. A few weekends ago I was able to take a road trip with my BFF's to see a play that my friend had been the assistant director/stage manager of. It was a quick trip and it was jam packed with visits of friends we rarely get to see. It was great to see them and catch up... even if it was only for a meal or a few minutes at best. It was also really wonderful to be able to see into what my friend had been pouring her heart into these past few months and so glad to know that she is incredibly happy with the work she has done there.

The drive was incredibly beautiful and it lit a small fire to the travel bug that has been quietly put to rest since I came home from Lebanon. I love seeing new places... or old ones in a new light. Truly, California is a place that is so diverse it is hard not to see its beauty in new ways each time you drive through the countryside. The entire trip down I just kept saying, "This is basically what Ireland was like! I can't get over how green this is!!".... lush and stunning from every corner. I'm pretty sure by the end of the trip everyone got the point. haha



This is my BFF TK and one of his multiple attempts (and only successfulone at that) to jump into my pictures. haha definitely a keeper. I heart my friends. :)

It's funny how the randomest things can spark a memory. A good portion of the trip we were listening to Jason Mraz's first album... "Live at Java Joe's" and I was instantly thrown back to my first year of college. I had a CD player (yes a CD player... the days before iPods ) that I would carry in my back pack, headphones threaded through the top with that album playing non-stop for basically an entire year.... I rode my bike everywhere and would listen to it the entire ride to school and then to work and then home later that night. Listening to those songs I can picture the exact rode and the exact bike I was riding. The feeling of hope and fear of entering into an adult world where nothing was set out for you like it was in highschool. The naive spirit I had coupled with the feeling that I had to do anything I could to make it through... even if it meant working insane hours to support myself through college. The excitement in knowing that I had so much ahead of me and the feeling that I could do anything if I just worked hard enough....
and it got me thinking... about the dreams and hopes of that 18 year old girl I once knew. I wonder what I would think if I took a snapshot of my life now and showed it to myself 8 years ago and said, "So... this is your life.... is it all you'd hoped it would be?"

I think in many ways I would be incredibly proud and relieved to be out from under a lot of the turmoil I used to live under. In so many ways I am still shocked at how seriously blessed I am... and how far I have come. Just today at work I had to stop for a minute and think to myself, "Yes, Andi.... you really are a nurse...working in the ICU for almost 2 years now! You actually did it!" I can't believe it sometimes. God has had his hand in my life... no doubt about it. Still... there is a part of me that thinks I would look at my life and be really surprised at where I've ended up. Not in a bad way... just a surprised way. At that point in my life I don't think I had any clue where I was supposed to be... I was planning on being an art therapist but really.... I just knew I wanted to help people... and I knew I wanted to travel. There is still a part of me that feels that pull towards other cultures and people and I just wonder.... 8 years from now... who knows where I'll end up?
Kind of an exciting thought, huh?

What about you friends? What kinds of things make you nostalgic?

How to spot a night shift nurse

The other day I was walking into the break room at work, just before my shift. As I came down the hall I could hear people exclaiming,

"I slept so good today! I got a full 8 hours!"
"Oh not me, I slept maybe four and this is my ninth day" replied the other nurse.
"Wow, I don't know how you handle that!" I replied as I walked into the room.
"Hah, do I LOOK like I'm handling it well?" We all laughed.

Probably the most common topic all night shift nurses have is sleep. The first thing we do when we see each other is say hello and then proceed to ask how many hours we slept that day. We exchange tips and tricks on the ways we manage to get as much sleep as possible. Ambien, trazadone, lunesta (yuck, I hated that one. It leaves this TERRIBLE taste in your mouth all day) benadryl, nyquil, advil PM, tylenol PM (by the way all of which are basically benadryl with other stuff added). A glass of wine before bed, those funny looking eye covers, black out curtains. Some of us switch our schedule on our days off and actually try to stay up during the day and a few of us don't (most of the time that's me).

Either way being a night shift nurse isn't always easy, especially when you work 12 hour shifts. Still, I prefer it over days because I get paid more and it is usually less stressful. You also learn to be very independent because you don't have all the resources around like you do on days. When you don't trust what an intern decides to do about your patient's crashing blood pressure at 2am....you learn to call the resident or the fellow. You learn to trust your intuition and you learn to ask A LOT of questions. Especially being a new grad like I am.

One of the ways I have learned to handle night shifts and 12 hours shifts much better is by making my food at the beginning of the week. Seriously, the last thing you want to do when you stumble home at 8am is make your lunch or dinner for the next night of work. You also don't want to have to put together breakfast if it means cutting into more of your sleep, and you sure as hell aren't getting up early to make food either. Plus, it stops me from eating junk food that is laying around my house or at work. Nurses are the worst at bringing sweets and fattening stuff to work.

So, I decided to take pictures and maybe share some of the recipes I have from what I made this week. This can help anyone who has a busy schedule; for 1-2 hours of work you have food for 5 days. I did this (sometimes) when I was in nursing school and working 18 hours a day, too. If I had done it every week then maybe I wouldn't have gained the 30lbs I did. Stupid nursing school.
Well, here's to eating healthy from now on!

Asparagus and green beans from the farmer's market by my house. I decided to go the easy route and get pre-cut, baby bella mushrooms (they were on sale).

Lots of garlic because I absolutely love garlic. Some chopped white or yellow onions too.


Some garlic powder, salt, pepper and a bit of olive oil to saute it all together.

There's one of my veggie dishes. Next I put some foil on my broiler pan and on one side had petite red potatoes sprinkled with salt, pepper, paprika and a bit of garlic powder.

On the other side of the dish I had brussel sprouts, some of the sliced mushrooms with garlic, (I really, really love garlic. Can you tell?), sprinkled each sprout with olive oil and salt and pepper.

I roasted them both at 350, the brussel sprouts cook first so I check them frequently and took those out when they were done and put the potatoes back in to finish cooking.

Next I put together some salads for the week. Heirloom tomatoes are my favorite because they're a little sweet, really beefy with virtually no seeds and they don't wilt the lettuce if you mix it in and package it up or a few days. And yes, those are edible flowers also. Another great farmer's market find.

Next, I made some sandwiches and instead of using mustard or mayo (yuck, I hate mayo) I used garlic roasted humus as my spread. Lean turkey meat, avocados, heirloom tomatoes, some of the lettuce from the farmer's market and the 100 calorie sandwich thins by Oroweat.

After it was all almost done I put together my dinner. Some of the salad, brussel sprouts and potatoes. On the side a basil, tomato, parmesan bocca burger (wasn't my favorite, it over cooks too easily and resembles a cement frisbee more than an edible patty at that point.)
The next day I was able to get the day off by using my vacation hours since our census was low. I ended up replacing my bocca burger for turkey burgers. Bread crumbs, garlic powder, tiny bit of paprika, salt, pepper and parsley mixed into ground turkey made for a great tasting turkery patty. No pictures of that though, sorry.
After I ate, I finished chopping up all the fruit I had. Boxed it up and was done. (By the way, I had some of this fruit with fat free cool whip for dessert yesterday and it was delicious and low calorie too!) I also threw some lite, canned fruit in with fat free cottage cheese to have for breakfast.
There it is. I have enough food to last me through 5 work days. I have a good amount of variety and just in case I need some snacks on the side I have fat free yogurt, wheat thins and progresso's healthy soups. (0-1 points on weight watchers)
Yum, now Im hungry. I think I'm going to get some banana bread that just finished baking. Recipe for that soon to come too!

My most memorable patient

When I was in nursing school and in my pediatric rotation, I took care of a teenage boy who had been sent to us from another hospital. He was a cute kid, moody as hell, screamed at the nurses and refused care constantly. Slept most of the day and was basically every nursing student's living nightmare.

Here I was, barely a year into nursing school and in one of the hardest quarters of the program (my peds teacher was the only one to ever make me cry). I get my assignment for the day and as I'm researching my patient's chart I discover this kid had an osteosarcoma of the femur. He had been through a battery of surgeries including removal of a large portion of his femur with a titanium implant to replace it. Multiple rounds of chemo with countless hospitalizations from the side effects and neutropenia and after all of that landed in the hospital because he had gotten an infection in his mediport.

The poor kid had survived well over a year in his battle with cancer and at this point was waiting to hear if he was tumor free. Just as he thinks he is done and ready to go back to school he gets knocked down with a massive infection in his mediport; a staph infection that had spread to his blood.

At this point, it's barely 7am in the morning and I have to go in to do my assessment.
I quietly crept up to him, nervously shaking him awake. Within seconds I had a swinging, screaming teenager demanding that I, "leave him the f*** alone." Yeah, it was not fun. By 7:30am I was ready to pack up my stuff and forget nursing school completely. I spent the rest of the day hiding from my teacher, in hopes that she wouldn't discover I was hours behind on my assessments and charting.

That day was hard because it never really got easier with him. I watched as people would go in and tip toe around him, trying to find a way to actually provide care without pissing him off and causing a huge fit. As I sat back and watched people interact with him and how they talked with him and his family, I started to notice a trend. Everyone was treating this kid as if he was already dead. They were afraid to be stern with him because they pitied him. When they saw him, they didn't see a teenage boy, they saw a kid with cancer who was dying and you know what? I think he saw it too. He knew that he could get away with being awful to people because, well hell he had cancer!

I made it through that day and the next morning guess who my patient was? Yup, that's right. Despite the charge nurse's request to not have students take him on anymore, my teacher pulls me aside and says, "I think you handled him very well yesterday and I think it'll be good for you to take care of him again."

Are you kidding me? What PLANET were you on? But I wasn't about to argue with the person who had my grade in her hands, so off I went. This time was different though. I walked into the room, turned on the lights and said, "Good morning!" nice and loud.
Just before he sat up and was about to begin telling me off up one side and down the other...I cut him off. "Ok, here's the deal. I know you're tired and you're sick and miserable and you just had a crap year full of chemo and cancer, but you're in the hospital because you need our care. I know the last thing you want is to deal with a pain in the ass nurse all day so here's what I'm gonna do. I have to give you medications around 9am. It's 7am now so I will come back at 9am to give your meds, do your assessment and take care of anything else I need to. After that, if you want to eat lunch...great. If not I will see you at 1pm for my afternoon meds and check in. Other than that you can sleep all day. Deal?"

He was stunned. I knew no one had talked to him like that in a very long time and I think, despite his shock he actually appreciated being treated like a normal teenager for once. "Sure, whatever." he says and he buries his head back under the covers.
I take a deep breath and head for the door.

The rest of the day was completely different. He was up waiting for me at 9am and stayed up for the rest of the day. His mom came to visit that day since his dad was busy and the three of us sat and talked about what the past year had been like. He told me all about his rounds of chemo and the horrible side effects he got. He told me about the day he shaved his head and how people reacted to him at school. He joked about how he used his medical ID card as a way to get what he wanted. "Every time my mom says I can't do something I just throw this at her and say, 'CANCER CARD' and I eventually get what I want." he smirks.

We discovered we used to live in the same area and we talked about our favorite spots in the downtown area and how much we loved that town. He told me about his girlfriend and how he was so happy to finally be done with chemo because they had their Sadie Hawkins dance coming up in a few weeks. He hadn't been able to go to any of the dances this year and this would be one of his last chances since he was a senior now. I could hear the sadness in his voice as he shared about the sports he used to do and how he was the captain of the track team and had been on varsity soccer since he was a freshman.
I saw him laugh and joke and smile through the endless shots and IV's I gave him. He even tried to use the cancer card on me once.

"Haha nice try buddy!" I smiled.

At the end of the day I was able to discharge him home. He was lucky enough to have insurance that covered at home nursing care and IV antibiotics at an outpatient center. We gathered up his things, changed the needles on his mediport and gave him and his mom all the instructions he needed for at home care of his IV's. And then I'll never forget what happened next.

He stood up and hugged me.

"Maybe we'll see you around downtown sometime?" he said.

"You bet, kiddo." was all I could mutter. The lump in my throat was already welling up.

Then I watched as he grabbed his things and began limping down the hall. At the time, I had no idea we were supposed to walk patients out in a wheelchair and I had actually never seen him walk. I had no idea he had a limp, but it made sense. He had part of his LEG removed. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Here is this seventeen year old boy. Popular, cute, athletic...and in an instant had his whole life...his whole identity ripped out from underneath him. The normal angst and drama of being a teenager was replaced with cancer and hospitals and fighting for his life.

He looked back, smiled and waved. As I watched him turn the corner, my chest tightened and uncontrollable tears began streaming down my face. The gravity of what I had just witnessed absolutely floored me. The vulnerability he had shown and the absolute blessing I had of sharing a mere 2 days with such strength and hope was moving. The resilience of the human spirit was shown to me that day in the form of a young boy who had overcome so much. I doubt he will ever know the impact he had on my life, but at that moment I knew, without a doubt, I loved being a nurse.

I still think about him often. I pray for him and I hope, wherever he is that he is healthy and happy and living life to its fullest. And I only hope that someday I can touch someone else's life the way that young boy touched mine.