Baby Shower Pictures

I wanted to share the baby shower photos I have because I realize that much of what I write about on here in terms of my pregnancy is just sad. While I have been suffering from severe antepartum depression it wouldn't be fair to say that there have only been horrible, depressing moments. There are some great moments of my pregnancy that I hope to remember. My baby shower was definitely one of them.
My mother in law did such a wonderful job at making me feel so loved and cared for and Bentley too!

I looked ready to give birth any minute but really I still had 8 weeks to go!

 She had such an amazing spread of food and really fun games and these adorable prizes.

 We got so many gifts from everyone and even had a little helper while we were opening presents. :)

I was so happy that friends from all over the state came to join us. It's hard to get all of us together these days but it was a huge blessing to have them all there. 

 I also was so lucky to have amazing co-workers who threw me the sweetest work baby shower. We are decorating Bentley's room in a Super Mario Brother's theme so my friend Julie went through all the trouble to hunt down baby Mario decorations!

So much good food and love from everyone. This kid really is going to be so incredibly spoiled.

Pregnancy and Depression

I have never been the kind of person to sugar coat anything. I am open, honest, and transparent most of the time. And yet my pregnancy has been an incredibly difficult thing to share with people. Early on in my baby journey I deleted my Facebook. I haven't done the typical "weekly bump photo" like most bloggers love to do. I thought I would too! I have limited myself to using Twitter and Instagram and even those things I rarely post anything on. I have been so very protective of my pregnancy and I think it's because my pregnancy hasn't been what I'd hoped or what others expected it to be.

Society in general has this image of pregnant women as these glowing, feminine goddesses. *GAG* oh sorry, did I just ruin it for someone? Pregnancy for me has been miserable and not just because of the usual pregnancy symptoms... because while those are horrible and I do mean horrible... they aren't the worst part. The worst parts are the moments when someone tells you that something might be seriously wrong with your baby. Or when you completely loose any attachment you ever had to the child growing inside of you. Or the moments when the antepartum depression sinks in so deeply that you truly see no reason to exist anymore.

I was talking to a friend of mine today who struggles with depression as well and I told him that I think one of the hardest things to deal with these days is that people see me as weak. They think I am overreacting or that I just don't "handle" pregnancy well. That maybe if I fought a little harder, I could beat the depression. If I were stronger then maybe I wouldn't be so miserable. As if I have a choice in it all.

But see, that is not how depression works. Depression is not a choice or a mindset that you can choose to overcome. It is not something you can pray away or give a pat on the back and expect it to disappear. It is not about mental toughness or about your will to fight. Trust me... coming from someone who has overcome so much. It is no lack of will or strength or tenacity that is getting the best of me. This friend of mine told me something today that made me smile and I even felt a little bit proud. He said,

"The thing is that the people I know with depression are some of the toughest fuckers on the planet. I would go through hell with those people. I'll take someone who battles depression and can still be a success over anybody. There's nobody tougher."

Amen friend. And thank you for reminding me of that truth.

I am thankful for people like him. People who get it. People who reach out despite the fact that I am no bowl of cherries. People who aren't afraid to include me in their life because of where I am. People who don't just ignore it or me because it is uncomfortable for them to face. I am struggling with depression and while it may not be fun and I may be different.... I am still me. I am still here. Still fighting. I still get up every single day. I go to work. I take care of myself and my baby. I clean my house. I fight to live even on the days where it feels pointless. If that isn't toughness or resilience I don't know what is.
I'm hoping that on the off chance that someone stumbles across this post and is struggling with depression... especially pregnancy related depression.... I hope you know that you are not alone. But more importantly, you should know that if you are still waking up every day and choosing to live... you should be proud. You my friend are a badass. 

Vacation

This week I have been off of work and I have to admit that it has been a somewhat strange week. I've been waking up every morning and going straight to work on homework and school stuff. Between the multiple papers, quizzes and reading assignments, I have had plenty to keep me busy every. single. day. It has been boring and exhausting all in the same breath.

 Luckily, I have had the chance to catch up with some friends that I rarely get to see, which has been nice. My old roommates came over and we played mouse trap and clue and had an awesome dinner (burrito bar!)

 I have been obsessed with my brand new Blendtec blender and have been making green smoothies practically twice a day.

Chris and I went to see Jersey Boys, which was THE BEST. I usually am not a huge fan of musicals... loved performing them in high school and what not but I just could never get into watching them ...but Jersey Boys... I could see that one a few times over it was that good. Before we saw the show we stopped into a really cute diner, which I thought was fitting considering what we were seeing. :)

 All in all, its been a really good, productive week. Also, this is the first time in four years that I've been able to sleep like a normal human being without sleeping pills for longer than a week! So jealous of you day shift people! I have a few days left of vacation and I am definitely dreading going back to work, but for now I am really thankful for the pause button on all the stress. :)

The Road to Forgiveness

Over the years I have noticed this shift in myself. This inability to handle people who are manipulative, mean or passive aggressive. Chalk it up to age or experience or just shear exhaustion of living life the other way... living with an emotionally abusive parent for years will do that to you. 

I think I have always tended on the side of transparency and maybe even bordered on brutal honesty. Although, I'm sure if you asked Chris about my communication skills, he would tell you that I have my fair share of "shut down" moments where I am a horrible communicator. I hate that about myself and it is something I have actively tried to work on these past few years.

Still, I would like to believe that I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and even though I'm not perfect, I try to be gracious with other people's feelings. I'm not perfect but I try.

For some reason, this week has been a complete barrage of people being insensitive to just down right malicious. One day in particular was filled with back to back cry worthy moments.... and these incidences were from people I love dearly to complete strangers. It hurt... a lot. 

Over the course of the night I became more and more angry that I was being treated this way. I let it stew inside and it began to fester like mold taking over rotten fruit. 

I just couldn't let it go. I mean... It's not like I'm perfect. I hurt people all of the time and I say things carelessly too... not realizing how it might be perceived. I really do try to be gracious with others. Especially when you just never know what is going on with the other person. Again.... giving benefit of the doubt here is so key. So, why was I the brunt of so much animosity? Why were my feelings not being considered? By the end of the day I felt defeated and utterly exhausted from it all. 

 I came home and curled up in the arms of my husband and I cried and vented and cried some more... until I eventually fell asleep. 

This week has been long and it has taken a toll on me. Most of today I have been thinking about why I just couldn't let it all go. Even after people said their apologies and validation was given... I still felt this anger simmering beneath the surface. I was still hurt. I hadn't forgiven them. 

Even if there was no "I'm sorry" or validation or redemption. I still need to forgive. I know all too well that holding on to that type of resentment does no good. It harms no one but myself and the festering will only get worse and more caustic as time goes on. I still haven't sat down long enough to really sort it all out and I probably need to just pray for the grace to let go. 

Such a simple concept that is so difficult to execute. The road to forgiveness is humbling and difficult to traverse. It is a two way road. The ability to give the benefit of the doubt even in the midst of mistake. The choice to let it go for your own sake. Trusting that justice will prevail in the end. 

 I need to forgive for the sake of others.... but also for me too. Cause one day, soon I'm sure, I will need someone to do the same for me. And to be honest... I think our world can use a little bit more forgiveness... don't you?

Breaking Heart

Today my heart is breaking. I heard news from my BFF Ami this week that my sweet little girl, Petra is in the hospital with a ruptured appendix. She had surgery the other day and has been in the pediatric surgical unit for a few days for post-op monitoring. It has been a really rough week for them. With Petra in the hospital and Thea, the oldest at home with a 103 degree temp. and a bad case of the flu. The youngest one probably has no clue what to make of it all. It has been quite traumatic for the whole family and it has been so painful to be 4 states away in the midst of it all. 

I miss them dearly and when I picture seeing this sad little face with tears streaming down from the turmoil that has been this week... not to mention the sheer pain of having appendicitis! Ugh, fly me out to Dallas already!

Poor, poor kid. I spoke to her on the phone today and I was glad that I could connect with her for a minute. I know they will all be okay and that 'this too shall pass'... it's just so painful to be away from those that you love... especially when life has just thrown them some huge curve balls. 

I can't even imagine if I ever have my own children... I will probably be a huge disaster when they get sick. It just completely breaks my heart to pieces when kids are sick... it must be so much worse when they are your own! Hopefully in the fall I will be able to visit them but in the meantime I will settle for phone calls and skype chats and imaginary hugs. 

<3

Life through my lens

Things I have loved recently

Date night with the husband that included s'more making!

Random parts of San Francisco that remind me of why I love this city. 

It has character.

The place where we got married... SF City Hall at night is gorgeous.

Love this photo so much. 

My favorite girls wrapped up in snuggies, cuddled up with 

the best husband ever. 

 I just love these guys. They make my heart smile.

What things are making you smile these days?

Puppies, Friends and Giving

This weekend Chris and I had the joy of hosting one of our favorite couples at our home. They decided to make the trek up from Southern California last minute to adopt a puppy that needed a home. It was so much fun having them here, albeit brief. It was just as awesome meeting their new little bundle of joy, Lucy. 

 Cutest thing, isn't she?! She was also incredibly sweet and gentle and friendly considering she is a rescue. So happy for them and their new pup. 

One of the reasons I am so very thankful for these two are because of their friendship. Kristen and I have known each other for years... since junior high. We have been through high school dances, chemistry classes, moves across country, boyfriends and family issues together. You name it we have been there through it all. I love knowing that no matter where we are in life or how long it has been since we have caught up... we can pick up the phone at any moment and things just continue right where they left off. Truly we are like family. 

Last October we ran a half marathon together. It was Kristen and Adam's first half and I was so excited to be able to do it with them... at my favorite race too! Adam has been on a weight loss journey this past year or so and he has been such a source of inspiration to me. He is now training for his first full marathon! His dedication to becoming healthy and his love for Kristen is something I am so thankful for. They are an awesome team that have been a great part of my life and now Chris' too.

One of the reasons I wanted to write about these two are because of the wonderful things they are doing in their little corner of the world. Kristen is a Speech Pathologist and Adam has just recently launched one of the coolest charities I have seen. It is called Give Bag. It is a charity to serve those experiencing homelessness. 

This is how it works. Give bags are biodegradable bags that hold various food and grocery items. These bags are purchased by givebag.org or sponsored by donors and are distributed through local churches. Community members and church attendees get a bag and then hand it out to those experiencing homelessness. Oh did I mention that it's free to give the bags?

It's simple and yet so meaningful for the giver and the receiver. If you'd like to get involved by giving a bag, sponsoring a bag or you just want to learn more, check out their website at 

www.givebag.org

Nursing Today

Last week one of my co-workers retired and upon his leaving he left all of us on the unit a letter. People had been frequently asking him how he felt about retiring and the letter was his response to that question.

He explained that for him, nursing had changed. "Nursing," he said "is an aggravating job." It seems as if every day there is more work to be done. More people to look over your shoulder, telling you how to do your job. Dictating what you do and when you do it. More rules and regulations to follow and less time to get it all done in a day. Our patients are sicker these days. Technology has advanced and yet the things that are supposed to help us often don't as they should.

The team work and the people will be missed... the chance to be apart of the world of nursing and it's advances in healthcare will be missed too. The back breaking nature of the job and the complete and utter exhaustion at the end of every shift will not. The lack of resources and help when we need it will not be missed either. Taking care of ICU patients and seeing them recover and the gratitude they have will be difficult to leave.

There will be a large void left with retiring from the nursing profession but as that door closes another shall open. The possibilities are endless.

"To put it simply," he said "excited would be a good word for how I feel."

It was so poignant and concise. There was no hesitation in getting straight to it. Nursing is a difficult, frustrating and yes... at times an aggravating job. There are some amazing, rewarding parts of the profession and we are lucky to work with a great group of people.... but when you get to a point when you go home every day worn to the bone and your days off are devoted to recovery... that's when you know it is time to go.

As I sat and read his letter... over and over.... the entire time I kept thinking, "That is exactly how I feel about this job." It was heartbreaking in some ways. To realize that I have come to a point in such a short amount of time where leaving the profession sounds like such a relief.

My health has not been great over the past few months. I have found myself feeling recluse and tired and empty lately when it comes to nursing. There have been moments where I have loved my job and moments where I think, "Now this is why I am a nurse." Yet, overall I feel like I don't have much left to give people... and that includes friends and family which is why it feels so defeating. We have very little support from management and often times I just tend to avoid them at all costs.

Life has been busy too and because I have a night shift schedule I don't ever feel like I have a normal life... or a normal marriage which can be hard. It wears you down sometimes and I don't think it is something that people understand easily.... nor do they have empathy for it.
So... for now I have been praying about it and looking at other options. I don't plan on leaving nursing but it makes me wonder if staying in the ICU will be for me. Who knows? The one thing I can say though is that the world of nursing is large and I know that no matter what I do... I will have many doors to choose from. It's just a matter of having the courage to open one of them. 

Wedding Post #2

We had our reception at a small restaurant called Nola. The food was delicious, the service was stellar and I couldn't have been happier with how laid back and fun it all was.

It was nice to be able to expand our guest list a bit more to include some of the people who couldn't come to the ceremony. A bunch of my favorite co-workers came and they are always such a blast.

The girls went crazy over the Mardi Gras beads... I still have a basket full of them at home.

Our favors were plantable paper hearts... seeds that are embedded in recycled paper that you can literally put in soil and watch grow into a beautiful mix of flowers. I hand stamped the envelopes and decorated each little flower pot with ribbon or adhesive borders from the Martha Stewart craft line. I still have yet to plant ours at home but I am excited to see how well it works.

 

 Our cake was a mix of layered Red Velvet with cream cheese frosting and chocolate cake with dark chocolate, hazelnut ganache. It was SO good.

This was my failed attempt at warning Chris not to shove cake in my face....

it obviously didn't work. Silly boy. He's lucky I love him so much.

The toasts were given by Ami and Chris' dad. We were given a beautiful wedding prayer by him that brought tears to my eyes. It was so touching and so thoughtful. I am thankful to be surrounded by so many people of faith and wisdom. I know our marriage will be better because of it.

So that's it. I am now a married woman. Who would have thought? Just a short time ago I was convinced that I would be single for the rest of my life. And while I think that life can be very well lived single or married... I am very glad that I met Chris and I am so thankful to be sharing my life with my best friend. 

<3

and we're back!

Hello Friends!

I'm officially back and ready ( I think) to start blogging again. Life has been full of a lot of stuff... for lack of a better word. There are many adventures to catch up on but as promised I will start off with a wedding recap post.

Let me just say that I think I am the luckiest girl in the world because I got my dream wedding. It was small and easy (in comparison to most weddings). It was fun and I can honestly say that the day was perfect and let's face it... how many brides can actually say that nothing... and I mean nothing went wrong on their wedding day?

I was lucky enough to have my wonderful friend Tenley Clark as a photographer and she did a phenomenal job... plus it was just fun having her around for the day. <3

The day started off a little rushed since we had to be at City Hall early in the morning and it is an hour away from our house but that was really the only slightly stressful part of the day. We even ended up getting to our ceremony appointment 30 minutes early!

 

I was lucky enough to have my bff Ami and her entire family in town which is quite a feat and it absolutely made the day. I consider them to be my family and I was so glad they could be there.

My shoes were awesome but probably the most uncomfortable things in the world... guess that's what happens when you order things online without trying them on first.

My family :) These are my girls and they truly mean the world to me. When Chris and I dropped them off at the airport at the end of the weekend I sobbed like a baby the entire way home. It was just so great having them meet everyone here in California and I loved creating such awesome memories with them here. Love them <3

San Francisco City Hall is absolutely gorgeous. People come from all over to get married in this building and I cant believe I was able to get married there for less than $100!

 The gang. Some folks are missing because they were out of town but I was so glad I was able to have my bff's from Cali there. The limit for city hall ceremonies is small... 6 guests only and we were able to sneak in 20! Sadly I had to really limit the amount of people we invited but I was so thankful for those that could come.

Mom and Dad. :) I am so lucky because I have the best in-laws ever. They truly are a godsend because I didn't grow up with a very strong family and in so many ways they have been such a blessing to me. I definitely feel very loved by Chris' entire family and am so thankful for that.

Our county clerk was so cool. He saw how many people we had with us and just goes "Ok everyone crowd around!" He was so laid back about everything... it made the whole ceremony fun and easy. That day there was a large group of school kids on a field trip and they ended up just crowding on the stairs behind us and watched the entire ceremony. When we turned around they all yelled out, "Congratulations Chris and Andi!!!" Later one of the little boys walked up to me and handed me a white rose. It was incredibly sweet and it were the small moments like those that made the day special.

Of course we have to give credit to the guy who introduced us... my old roommate Sam (who I miss dearly btw... so weird not living with him after all these years!)

 

I really can't believe everything went as well as it did... I am a lucky girl. I love being married and I have the most thoughtful, caring, crazy, loving husband in the world.  :)

Next post I will have pictures of the reception which was awesome as well. Happy Friday friends!