Baby Shower Pictures

I wanted to share the baby shower photos I have because I realize that much of what I write about on here in terms of my pregnancy is just sad. While I have been suffering from severe antepartum depression it wouldn't be fair to say that there have only been horrible, depressing moments. There are some great moments of my pregnancy that I hope to remember. My baby shower was definitely one of them.
My mother in law did such a wonderful job at making me feel so loved and cared for and Bentley too!

I looked ready to give birth any minute but really I still had 8 weeks to go!

 She had such an amazing spread of food and really fun games and these adorable prizes.

 We got so many gifts from everyone and even had a little helper while we were opening presents. :)

I was so happy that friends from all over the state came to join us. It's hard to get all of us together these days but it was a huge blessing to have them all there. 

 I also was so lucky to have amazing co-workers who threw me the sweetest work baby shower. We are decorating Bentley's room in a Super Mario Brother's theme so my friend Julie went through all the trouble to hunt down baby Mario decorations!

So much good food and love from everyone. This kid really is going to be so incredibly spoiled.

Pregnancy and Depression

I have never been the kind of person to sugar coat anything. I am open, honest, and transparent most of the time. And yet my pregnancy has been an incredibly difficult thing to share with people. Early on in my baby journey I deleted my Facebook. I haven't done the typical "weekly bump photo" like most bloggers love to do. I thought I would too! I have limited myself to using Twitter and Instagram and even those things I rarely post anything on. I have been so very protective of my pregnancy and I think it's because my pregnancy hasn't been what I'd hoped or what others expected it to be.

Society in general has this image of pregnant women as these glowing, feminine goddesses. *GAG* oh sorry, did I just ruin it for someone? Pregnancy for me has been miserable and not just because of the usual pregnancy symptoms... because while those are horrible and I do mean horrible... they aren't the worst part. The worst parts are the moments when someone tells you that something might be seriously wrong with your baby. Or when you completely loose any attachment you ever had to the child growing inside of you. Or the moments when the antepartum depression sinks in so deeply that you truly see no reason to exist anymore.

I was talking to a friend of mine today who struggles with depression as well and I told him that I think one of the hardest things to deal with these days is that people see me as weak. They think I am overreacting or that I just don't "handle" pregnancy well. That maybe if I fought a little harder, I could beat the depression. If I were stronger then maybe I wouldn't be so miserable. As if I have a choice in it all.

But see, that is not how depression works. Depression is not a choice or a mindset that you can choose to overcome. It is not something you can pray away or give a pat on the back and expect it to disappear. It is not about mental toughness or about your will to fight. Trust me... coming from someone who has overcome so much. It is no lack of will or strength or tenacity that is getting the best of me. This friend of mine told me something today that made me smile and I even felt a little bit proud. He said,

"The thing is that the people I know with depression are some of the toughest fuckers on the planet. I would go through hell with those people. I'll take someone who battles depression and can still be a success over anybody. There's nobody tougher."

Amen friend. And thank you for reminding me of that truth.

I am thankful for people like him. People who get it. People who reach out despite the fact that I am no bowl of cherries. People who aren't afraid to include me in their life because of where I am. People who don't just ignore it or me because it is uncomfortable for them to face. I am struggling with depression and while it may not be fun and I may be different.... I am still me. I am still here. Still fighting. I still get up every single day. I go to work. I take care of myself and my baby. I clean my house. I fight to live even on the days where it feels pointless. If that isn't toughness or resilience I don't know what is.
I'm hoping that on the off chance that someone stumbles across this post and is struggling with depression... especially pregnancy related depression.... I hope you know that you are not alone. But more importantly, you should know that if you are still waking up every day and choosing to live... you should be proud. You my friend are a badass. 

Life Lately

I think I am allergic to my Christmas tree. Either that or I have a yucky on the verge of becoming a horrible cold that just refuses to go away. Seriously... my nose is raw from blowing it so much. It's 1:30am right now and my husband is happily talking in his sleep while I've been desperately hoping my benadryl will kick in so I can go back to bed. On a happy note my tree is real for the first time in years and it smells wonderful and looks so happy! I even got to decorate my very own Starbucks ornament this year! My whole tree is covered with the many Starbucks ornaments I have collected over the years. Literally, I have enough to cover almost my whole tree.

This month has been interesting. Right now I am in my 15th week of pregnancy (yay for the second trimester!) and I am starting to feel huge already. It hasn't helped that people have literally told me that very thing, "You're huge! You aren't that far along. By the end you're gonna be huge!" No joke someone said that to me on Thanksgiving.     >__<     I don't know what it is about being pregnant but seriously everyone seems to think that you are like an open door to being touched or commented on... appropriate or not people will give you their opinion freely and most of the time it is with very little tact... if any at all.

This was me on Thanksgiving. Baby is definitely popping out and I guess considering that I'm barely 5'1" I don't really have anywhere to grow but out. Last week we got to do our nuchal translucency ultrasound which was so fun. Baby was probably sleeping because he/she wouldn't stretch out for us or move... except for one time when the tech was really pressing on my belly so baby got annoyed and turned his/her back to us. The fun thing was that we got a great wave during that moment. 

How cute is that?! Seriously I'm obsessed with my little June bug already. Sometimes when I stop and think about it I am in awe. I have a HUMAN growing inside of me. I'm a real life babushka doll!

The past two weeks or so have been nice because the morning sickness and throwing up has subsided. At this point I'm only puking a few times a week.... I'll take it... as compared to throwing up literally multiple times a day, every day. Also for a while I had to be on a liquid diet because all I could tolerate were foods like soup, yogurt, jello, pudding.... seriously if I never have to eat another pudding snack in my lifetime I'll be fine. 

What else? Work... oh yeah, work. Hmm a lot to say on that front but also not the energy to say it. I also feel like work needs its own post... or many. Either way I'm on vacation until Monday so I'm trying to not think about it and just enjoy the time off I have. Getting ready for Christmas is always an endeavor in this family. I spent the entire day wrapping presents yesterday!

Happy Holidays friends! I hope you are all well and joyful this season. :)

Hope

When I was a little girl I very distinctly remember that I loved playing with baby dolls. Up until maybe even 11 or 12 years old I have those memories of cradling and feeding and changing the little dolls that would creepily close their eyes when you laid them flat. What is even more amusing is knowing that the thought of actually being a mother or actually having children of my own someday never even occurred to me.  I never wanted to be a mother. I never had that picture in my mind of what my children might look like or be like. I never longed for the day I would be able to hold my child for the first time. Witness the first breath, first words, first step. I also never really knew why. The sacrifice just seemed so great and the desire so small.

It wasn't until recently when I was hovering over a pregnancy test desperately praying for it to be negative that I even began to think of the real possibility of having children. It was such a fearful feeling... that sense that a train is headed at you while your car is stuck on the tracks. Knowing that if I were to have a child... things really would be okay... but they would not be at all what I expected. Not at all what I had wanted or even hoped for.

And then... only one blue line appeared... and suddenly I felt this overwhelming sorrow... a sense of loss so great it brought me to tears. Indeed the train had hit, but the impact was much different than I expected. Motherhood was now something I very much wanted and the desire terrified and confused me. I didn't know what to do with it all. This strong sense that I was not ready to be a mom... that the timing was not right.... but the overwhelming wish that I could be.

Over time there was this deep searching that took place. Discovering the root of those intense fears I had about one day raising a little person. Everyone I spoke with would tell me, "Oh don't worry you won't be like your mom"  and I got it... I understood why they would say that.

But it didn't help... the fears only grew and began filling every space left unattended in my thoughts. It wasn't until I spent the day with my mom that it dawned on me just what it was.  We were talking about something as mundane as personality tests. I mentioned myers briggs and how much I loved that one... how it had helped me figure myself out. When instantly I was met with such strong resistance. Proclamations about how worthless that one was compared to my mom's favorite numerology system. And it only continued from there... bikram yoga is better than ashtanga... running isn't good for me... etc.

Every single thing I did had a flaw... something that needed to be corrected or trumped and when I made it home that evening I felt completely deflated... emotionally exhausted from the battle it was to just simply exist with my mother. It dawned on me that day that my fears about becoming a mother had nothing to do with being afraid of being like my mother... I was afraid of becoming the person that she always made me feel that I was.

A failure.... stupid... worthless... not good enough... a burden...

These are the words that have spun in my mind for so long and despite the nice birthday cards and the backhanded compliments I never really got over it. I never really believed that what my mother said... how she made me feel was completely invalid. That maybe her words and her actions were more about her and where she is in life than about me and my value. Maybe... just maybe... my fears about being a mother were rooted in completely unfounded proclamations... and not in the ability I have to love and raise another human being. That maybe the deep, deep desire I had for my mother to tell me, "YES, you can do this!" wasn't going to come but that it would still be okay.

And maybe... just maybe... someday I can have the ability... the chance to raise a little person. To love them and protect them in the ways that I wasn't... and in the ways that I was. To give this longing in my heart a voice. To believe in my worth and teach my children their worth too. And at the very least... to know that I am not living out of fear but out of hope instead.

The road so far has been incredibly bumpy and the sacrifices are much greater than I expected. Even at this stage of the journey there has been so much emotional, physical, and mental tenacity required. I have had to be more brave now than I think I ever have and I feel this shift inside of my being. This raw fierceness of protection and love and fear.... and yes, most definitely hope. Knowing that from here on out my life will never be the same... but that it will most definitely be richer and fuller because of it. And despite being terrified still every day that I might not be able to protect enough or love enough, I at least know that I am brave enough to take that first step. And soon... it will all be worth it.

I love you my little munchkin. I'm so excited to be your mama :)

The Letter

The other day I was cleaning out the boxes in my office closet that had been with me since I was 15 years old. Years of moving, transferred from house to house and box to box. I had over a decade worth of letters and cards that had chronicled my life through the eyes of those around me. As I sifted through and tossed the generic "Happy Birthday! Love, Aunt Sue" cards into the trash I came across an open envelope. 

It had unfamiliar writing all over it and it wasn't a letter I had remembered even owning let alone reading. It was from my dad and it was addressed from jail, dated in 1991... I was 6 years old.  There was this moment as I opened the letter where everything else went blank. Almost as if I forgot what I had been doing up until that second. The wind had left my lungs and I felt that clenching in my chest. I slowly sat down on the floor and began reading the words on the pages. The apologies and the desperate pleas to not be afraid. The six places he told me I love you and the three where he said not be afraid. I counted each one... soaking it in just as desperately as he had written the words.  The few memories I had were all there... even the swans he had taught me to draw as a little girl. 

 There I was.... just a few days before my 29th birthday as I sat on the floor of my office, sobbing over the words. Tear drops staining the page, blurring the ink into incomprehensible puddles. The questions that had always been in the deepest parts of my being were right there in a box, on a shelf... in my office... all along. Did my dad love me... or more poignantly 

Am I lovable?

Most of my life has been lived with the desperate desire to be captivating, pursued and longed for. A hope that one day the void of not having my father's love would be filled. The wound of being abandoned somehow healed over. It never ceases to amaze me just how much that father wound has managed to impact every part of my identity. Just when I think I have overcome the breath of it... there it is. I know I have come so far and I know I am not alone in this struggle. It doesn't take a broken home to struggle with issues of worth but a broken home and an abusive father only magnifies the hurt. 

“We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil.” 
― Stasi Eldredge, Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul

So today, I am reflecting on that desire, that hurt, that loss, that wound. I am praying that somehow it will heal enough to not sting so much. I am praying for the strength to believe in my own worth... and I mourn the ways in which I have not loved myself enough. 

And maybe along the way... in sharing the journey... others can be healed too. 

Babies and Adulthood

I don't know about you, but in my neck of the woods it seems like everyone around me is either pregnant or just had a baby. Everywhere I turn ...at work, the blogs I read, friends ...so many babies and pregnant women around me. The second Chris and I got married the "So, when are you guys having kids?" questions came pouring in. To be honest, for most of my life, I did not want children and actually that was a huge discussion between Chris and I at the beginning of our relationship. For the most part, I had raised my younger sister and I felt like I had already done my job. I also always have this fear in the back of my mind that I just won't be able to handle being a parent. The sacrifice just seems to be too great and I'd rather not bring another little person into this world unless I was absolutely dying to take care of one.

I can confidently say that right now, I am not in any way dying to take care of another human being. Anyways, being an ICU nurse in a busy VA hospital, I feel like that is all I do these days. Between work and school I can barely keep afloat with basic things like sleep and a normal social life. The thought of being pregnant and then raising a child sounds impossible.

Still, there is this anxiousness in me whenever I see yet another pregnancy announcement. I'm 28 years old so it makes sense that this is the time when people are starting to settle into family life ...I remember having the same angst when everyone around me started getting engaged and married. Even when I wasn't looking to get married there was still this part of me that felt ...left out, I guess? Now, I think I'm afraid that some day when I actually am  ready to have children, that the time will have passed and we won't be able to have them or that it will just be too late. This dissonance in my life of knowing that I am not ready to have kids at all but that I guess maybe this intense feeling that I should be?  I know it will most likely be years before we decide to start a family because there is just too much to do before then, but I just can't figure out how to calm that nagging voice in the mean time. 

The 17 mile drive

Recently, Chris and I went south to Monterey Bay, CA for our one year wedding anniversary and it was an amazing weekend. I would have to say that despite growing up just 2 hours away from this area and having been to Monterey downtown a number of times... I had never actually driven the famous 17 mile drive. 

 The entire drive is absolutely breathtaking and the whole time it felt like we had been transported to Hawaii because the water was so incredibly gorgeous with bright teals and aqua blues.

Rocky shores with white sanded beaches... and sand dunes around the bay.

It was so wonderful to have a lazy weekend of eating, relaxing and spending time with my husband in the middle of one of the most incredible places. It made me very thankful for my life and everything I have been blessed with this past year.

Having that time to get away, even for just a night. To slow down and enjoy life a little was nice... and so rare for me these days. 

I have been making a conscious effort lately to be more thankful... which I will write more about another day. It has been slowly changing me from the inside out and I am realizing that it takes a conscious effort... like eating right or exercising. I have to choose to be thankful every day... even when it seems like all hope is lost.

Even when I am exhausted and at the end of my rope... I have to choose to be thankful.

Sometimes when it gets a little hard to smile, I pull out these pictures and imagine what it would be like to have a little beach cottage on the edge of this coast.

A big porch and a large kitchen that looks out over the ocean views.

I can't help but smile then and suddenly I recognize the gift that I can even have that dream.

What makes you thankful friends?

January 27th

It has been one year since Chris and I got married. I have so many emotions about our anniversary. We have been through so much this year. Everyone told us that the first year of marriage would be the hardest.  I will say that we have been through a handful of things that have made this year challenging. I have no doubt that marriage is the most difficult thing I have tackled thus far.

We are lucky enough to be surrounded by amazing family and friends who have supported us and been there for us through this first year. I am so incredibly blessed with in-laws that I love just as much as my own family. I feel so at home with them and I could not imagine my life without any of them in it. 

If there is one thing I have learned this year about myself and about marriage it would be summed up in one word ...perseverance. Choosing to join my life with another human being has forced me to persevere through so much. When I was single I had the choice to run from and ignore a lot of junk within myself. Now that I am accountable to another person I have to reconcile all of these messy parts within myself. The moments when I don't feel like being considerate or gracious or loving I have to choose to think of the other person first. I have to choose to address the parts of myself that are selfish and defensive and just downright emotionally ugly. 

I know we have both struggled with learning to live with another person and adapting to the fact that your time is not solely yours anymore. It is shared with this other person who doesn't necessarily do things the way you would. We have had to figure out the balance of life together instead of life as a single person. 

We have survived job transitions, the loss of family members that were integral parts of our lives, and me starting school all in this first year. It definitely hasn't been easy...

but it has been absolutely the best thing I have ever committed myself to. This man that I married has made my life so much brighter, happier and full of love in ways that I never could have imagined if I had chosen to stay single. 

Marriage is the most sanctifying process I have ever endured. The love I receive from this man is one of the greatest gifts I have been given. The ways he fights for me and chooses to love me even in the midst of my mess ...it has not only been humbling but transforming in so many ways. I am so lucky to have someone so caring, loyal, patient, and strong. 

Chris, I love you more than you'll ever know and I can only hope to be the wife you deserve every day. Thank you for loving me in all the ways that you do. Thank you for always striving to be a better man. Thank you for being you. 

Happy Anniversary husband. Here's to many more. 

Breaking Heart

Today my heart is breaking. I heard news from my BFF Ami this week that my sweet little girl, Petra is in the hospital with a ruptured appendix. She had surgery the other day and has been in the pediatric surgical unit for a few days for post-op monitoring. It has been a really rough week for them. With Petra in the hospital and Thea, the oldest at home with a 103 degree temp. and a bad case of the flu. The youngest one probably has no clue what to make of it all. It has been quite traumatic for the whole family and it has been so painful to be 4 states away in the midst of it all. 

I miss them dearly and when I picture seeing this sad little face with tears streaming down from the turmoil that has been this week... not to mention the sheer pain of having appendicitis! Ugh, fly me out to Dallas already!

Poor, poor kid. I spoke to her on the phone today and I was glad that I could connect with her for a minute. I know they will all be okay and that 'this too shall pass'... it's just so painful to be away from those that you love... especially when life has just thrown them some huge curve balls. 

I can't even imagine if I ever have my own children... I will probably be a huge disaster when they get sick. It just completely breaks my heart to pieces when kids are sick... it must be so much worse when they are your own! Hopefully in the fall I will be able to visit them but in the meantime I will settle for phone calls and skype chats and imaginary hugs. 

<3

Life Lately

I should be doing my homework right now but my brain has turned into complete mush... so here I am catching up on a long overdue post. I am warning you now (husband this one is for you) that this post will most likely be full of grammatical errors. Last week I began my technical writing class and I have been completely overwhelmed with my lack of writing skills. I have always known that I am horrible with grammar and punctuation... writing etiquette etc. But what I love about this place is that I don't really care if I write incorrectly. Because this place is where I can write like I think and for me that is fine and dandy. Take that writing teacher! No APA format here, no sir.

On that note... school is in full swing and boy is it way harder than I was expecting. Every week I have a 5-10 page paper due, a quiz, a test, and loads of reading/research for each class and I am taking two of them. One nursing related and one writing class. It's exhausting. Hopefully this program won't completely run me into the ground. One thing I will say though is that so far I am actually enjoying the nursing class. The reading is interesting enough and the assignments aren't full of busy work... only slightly.

On the work front things are steady. Summer is here and so far *knock on wood* it has been survivable. I had my first solo night as charge nurse on the unit the other day. Minus a few documenting technicalities I did well and it was a good night. It was a nice change of pace actually and I am looking forward to being able to grow in that role. The night I worked was incredibly calm so we shall see how I handle it when we have multiple codes and admits. Let's hope my black cloud won't follow me as charge :)

Over the past few weeks Chris and I have made an effort to really start living a more healthy lifestyle. We both have diet changes that need to be made so we have been cooking and grilling at home more. I have been doing a daily food log with the "Tap n' Track" app on my iPhone. Counting calories and making better choices has resulted in apx. a 10 pound weight loss! Considering I gained nearly 30 lbs since I stopped marathon running... I've got about 20 lbs to go but yay for being a 1/3 of the way down. Running has been difficult at times but I am slowly building up my endurance. Right now I'm just focusing on training for my favorite half marathon coming up in October.

These days I am trying to remember to just take every day one step at a time... and that way when life throws me a curve ball... maybe I won't get so upset over it? Well... that's the plan at least. :)

How is life lately for you?

Afraid.

I am a worrier. I always have been and to some extent will probably always be one. I think it has a lot to do with how I grew up and the circumstances in which I was raised. Everyone did the best they could but in many ways stability... especially emotional stability, was not something I saw around me often.
As I entered my young adult years and began living on my own I did everything I could to form a very structured, stable environment. Everything from the people I surrounded myself with to the home I lived in and the job I kept... it was all managed very closely. On the outside at least. In many ways my internal world was in utter turmoil but I did everything within my power to keep the things and the people around me constant. I did not and still do not handle change well.
When people left it scared me. When plans were derailed I panicked. When I knew it was time to move on to another job I froze... paralyzed with fear. I even remember a day, years ago when I still lived with my mother, it being an unhealthy living situation a close friend of mine asked me why I was hesitating to leave so much. "I don't know who I am if I am not my mother's daughter." I told her. I was so very afraid. Afraid that I would fail. Afraid that if I loved people they would leave. Afraid to get attached. Afraid to believe in myself. Afraid to trust that God had me in His hands. Afraid of branching out. Afraid. Afraid. Afraid.
I think, in many ways I am a thousand times better when it comes to not letting fear rule my life. Yet, there are still moments where it catches me off guard and I am struck with that familiar pit in my stomach. That gnawing feeling that it will never really be okay. 
This week has been filled with those moments. There have been things this week that have reminded me that no matter how much I plan and no matter how many walls I build up... life just happens. In a strange way getting married has magnified that fact. I don't know that I have trusted a human being as much as I trust my husband. I have let him into places that no other person has been. I have opened my heart to him... and his family. Those walls I have so fervently built to protect myself from hurt have been slowly displaced. I have become vulnerable to this man in a way I haven't ever in my entire life.... and you know what? It terrifies me.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I am convinced that it is too good to be true... and that someday, something will take this man that I love just to remind me that nothing I have is secure. To remind me that attachments are bad and that people will inevitably always leave. I know logically it is ridiculous but it is a real fear of mine and this week that fear has been thrown in my face in a very real and tangible way.
Luckily, I am blessed enough to have people in my life who understand what I am feeling and can even share their own journey with the very same thing I struggle with too. Still... I can't help but lay awake at night and wonder... what if?

What if life happens?

As a Christian I know I need to trust that God does in fact have me in His hands... because He does and He always has. Right now I am just afraid to believe it and that is difficult for me to admit... but I'm trying. So, today, my prayer is short but it is genuine and it is real.

“Lord, I do believe; help me with my unbelief.” ~Mark 9:24

For the Love of Running

When I finished my marathons last year there was this pause in my running life. I had become so completely worn out with running and particularly racing, that it took everything I had to finish out my planned races for the year. In October of last year I finished my last race in Morgan Hill. A half marathon I ran with my sister-in-law. It was a beautiful course and a great run. It was a perfect way to end my epic year of running.

Now almost 6 months later I have been through some big ups and downs with my love (or lack thereof) of running. I haven't done a single race since then and I only just began running regularly about a month ago. My health in general has not been great. I have been battling with my asthma and had to fight off a lingering bronchitis that has seemed to do some major damage to my endurance.

There have been moments where I really miss racing. Even moments where I considered running another full marathon. I look back at the training I did for my three marathons last year and it was lack luster at best. I am saddened when I realize that I probably could have gotten a much faster time had I done more than just my weekly long runs... if that.

So for now I have decided to take a different approach. I don't want to burn out like I did last year. I want to fall back in love with running... so I am letting it woo me back. I am going back to the beginning.  The 5K... it is the basis of training... the starting point. I want to run for endurance, for speed and for health.... but mostly for fun. For me, the challenge is the ability to see how much you can improve and overcome when you push yourself... that is the fun. I may be a slow runner but I improve a little every day. That's what counts. I look at what I have accomplished and I am so incredibly proud. I do hope to one day get back to the point where I can run a half marathon at the drop of a dime... but I am not there yet.

I have been getting better... healthier. I am still struggling with my asthma but I am pushing through and I am giving myself the grace to take a day off or two. I have toyed with the idea of signing up for upcoming races... yes, even full marathons... but for now I am not signed up for anything until October 2012. And for now, that is okay... because all that matters is that I have a date with the open trails and my running shoes. Who knows where they will take me... but I am excited to find out.

Life through my lens

Things I have loved recently

Date night with the husband that included s'more making!

Random parts of San Francisco that remind me of why I love this city. 

It has character.

The place where we got married... SF City Hall at night is gorgeous.

Love this photo so much. 

My favorite girls wrapped up in snuggies, cuddled up with 

the best husband ever. 

 I just love these guys. They make my heart smile.

What things are making you smile these days?