Antepartum Depression at 35 weeks

It started early for me. Despite the fact that I kept blaming it all on my anxiety and fear of becoming a first time mom, the depression really started much sooner than I would like to admit. I remember early in my first trimester having overwhelming waves of guilt and sadness. There were many days that I spent every work break locked up in our library, sobbing. Trying to catch my breath, I would cry out to my unborn child, "I am so sorry. I'm so sorry I'm your mama. I'm so sorry baby." I felt completely horrible that this poor child would be born to such a miserable failure of a human being. I felt so guilty all of the time and so devastatingly sad. I had frequent panic attacks and was so physically miserable with every pregnancy symptom in the book. Stuck on a liquid diet for two months because I could not keep down solid food. Praying that somehow all of the GI symptoms would eventually clear. Praying that my asthma would somehow come under control again so I could breathe. When one thing would let up another would creep in and I only felt more defeated as time went on.

Then we had our anatomy scan in February and we were told that we were most likely having a child with an intersex disorder. Meaning at the very least he would need surgery after birth and at the very worst our child actually had no defined gender or would be both genders but could also have other abnormalities like infertility and mild retardation. Suddenly the baby boy I had named and grown so very attached to became genderless and lacked any real identity to connect with in my mind. That same week I had been started on Wellbutrin for the depression and one of the black box warnings for this drug is suicidal ideation. Over the two weeks it took to do further testing and wait for a follow up ultrasound I began to spiral out of control. We eventually found out that the anatomy scan tech just had bad images because the umbilical cord was in the way and we were in fact having a very healthy baby boy, but by then the damage had been done. Every day became a battle to simply survive. Life seemed utterly pointless and I began to think about death with fondness. Wishing that somehow I could simply not exist anymore.

I decided to go off the Wellbutrin and with the help of my husband and my OB-Gyn I began seeing a therapist that specialized in pregnancy related issues. Slowly, I began to get better and within a month I felt actually somewhat normal! I even remember telling my OB-Gyn that I thought the third trimester was my magical trimester. I honestly only remember one brief period, maybe a couple of days where I felt those suicidal thoughts creep back in and I remember it being associated with feeling physically really crappy. I had a wonderful baby shower around week 32 that was so happy I felt pure joy that entire week. Excitement even for what was to come.

Then came week 34 and the beast that is antepartum depression crept back in and decided to dig in deep. This child inside of me is growing big and it literally feels as if a 300 pound man is sitting square on my chest. I cannot catch my breath for the life of me and I panic on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. The other day I spent a good portion of my day googling things like "antepartum depression" "suicide during pregnancy" "antepartum depression worsening during second pregnancy" in an attempt to find someone who understood the darkness that has taken hold of my mind. I also have been completely preoccupied lately with the thought that I just cannot imagine ever doing this again. The realization that having another child could possibly be one of the worst ideas is so heart breaking. I want more children. I don't want Bentley to be an only child but the thought of willingly inviting this beast into my life again is down right terrifying. I told Chris through tears yesterday that I was afraid I would get even more depressed and commit suicide if I ever got pregnant again. How awful is that? I even considered writing a letter to myself in order to remind my future self just how horrible and scary this pregnancy was. I am so afraid that the joy of having Bentley will make me forget the beast and it's hold on my mind. I am so afraid that I will decide to be brave and that the next time I won't be so lucky. Next time the depression will be so debilitating that I just won't survive it and my children will be left without a mother. The thought that I just can't have more children is a burden that hurts so deep and I know it hurts Chris too. I don't know what the future entails but it just feels very bleak.

Right now I am desperately clinging to the hope that this will all get better once Bentley gets here. It's hard though because I am told that having antepartum depression predisposes you for postpartum depression. I seem to also only hear the horror stories of taking care of a newborn. The lack of sleep, the torture that is breastfeeding, the pain of recovery, the never ending cries of a colicky, inconsolable baby. It all just feels like I will be jumping from the pan to the fire. I have 5 weeks to go and I feel like each day is a battle to get through. Some are better than others but for now I have to keep fighting to live despite my complete lack of desire to go on at times. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Pregnancy and Depression

I have never been the kind of person to sugar coat anything. I am open, honest, and transparent most of the time. And yet my pregnancy has been an incredibly difficult thing to share with people. Early on in my baby journey I deleted my Facebook. I haven't done the typical "weekly bump photo" like most bloggers love to do. I thought I would too! I have limited myself to using Twitter and Instagram and even those things I rarely post anything on. I have been so very protective of my pregnancy and I think it's because my pregnancy hasn't been what I'd hoped or what others expected it to be.

Society in general has this image of pregnant women as these glowing, feminine goddesses. *GAG* oh sorry, did I just ruin it for someone? Pregnancy for me has been miserable and not just because of the usual pregnancy symptoms... because while those are horrible and I do mean horrible... they aren't the worst part. The worst parts are the moments when someone tells you that something might be seriously wrong with your baby. Or when you completely loose any attachment you ever had to the child growing inside of you. Or the moments when the antepartum depression sinks in so deeply that you truly see no reason to exist anymore.

I was talking to a friend of mine today who struggles with depression as well and I told him that I think one of the hardest things to deal with these days is that people see me as weak. They think I am overreacting or that I just don't "handle" pregnancy well. That maybe if I fought a little harder, I could beat the depression. If I were stronger then maybe I wouldn't be so miserable. As if I have a choice in it all.

But see, that is not how depression works. Depression is not a choice or a mindset that you can choose to overcome. It is not something you can pray away or give a pat on the back and expect it to disappear. It is not about mental toughness or about your will to fight. Trust me... coming from someone who has overcome so much. It is no lack of will or strength or tenacity that is getting the best of me. This friend of mine told me something today that made me smile and I even felt a little bit proud. He said,

"The thing is that the people I know with depression are some of the toughest fuckers on the planet. I would go through hell with those people. I'll take someone who battles depression and can still be a success over anybody. There's nobody tougher."

Amen friend. And thank you for reminding me of that truth.

I am thankful for people like him. People who get it. People who reach out despite the fact that I am no bowl of cherries. People who aren't afraid to include me in their life because of where I am. People who don't just ignore it or me because it is uncomfortable for them to face. I am struggling with depression and while it may not be fun and I may be different.... I am still me. I am still here. Still fighting. I still get up every single day. I go to work. I take care of myself and my baby. I clean my house. I fight to live even on the days where it feels pointless. If that isn't toughness or resilience I don't know what is.
I'm hoping that on the off chance that someone stumbles across this post and is struggling with depression... especially pregnancy related depression.... I hope you know that you are not alone. But more importantly, you should know that if you are still waking up every day and choosing to live... you should be proud. You my friend are a badass. 

I Wish I Knew: What Nobody Tells You About Prenatal Depression.

These days I am taking life one step at a time. I seem to be more familiar with anxiety and a lot of fear as of late. Sometimes it feels as if the isolation is drowning out so much it is hard to tell what is reality and what is the result of the hormones surging inside of me. I feel inadequate and like a complete failure a lot of the time. Instead of feeling feminine and glowing, I feel the extra weight I carried before pregnancy pushing its way out in places too visible for my own comfort. As a result I look further along than I am and people tell me I am huge. I feel self conscious about that. I am tired and winded with each step up my stairs. I am told often that it will only get harder the bigger I get. A claustrophobic's worst fear. I read people's birth and postpartum stories and I squirm in my seat, dreading what is to come with all of my being. I don't recognize myself, my body, my spirit. I wish someone had told me how hard pregnancy was. How motherhood starts from the minute that the second line appears. Despite the tiny heart beating just inches away from my own I feel incredibly alone. Scared and sad.... and so very guilty for feeling so. very. sad.

Last week, I was out with Chris running errands and the entire time I held back tears. A blank stare on my face and this hollow, soulless feeling lurking inside. When we got home, he climbed the stairs to his office and I stood in our kitchen and cried. No... I sobbed. Partially relieved to let it out but mostly devastated that I feel so alone and empty even around the ones that I love so much.

Right now I am battling a horrible case of Influenza A H1N1 coupled with a nasty rhinovirus. When we were driving into the ER last night I saw my life slowly spiraling away. My lungs tightening up and the wheezing growing so loud it almost drowned out the pounding of my rapidly beating heart. I panicked, gripping the seat belt... trying to will myself to breathe. "Just breathe. You are okay. Just breathe, Andi" I said out loud. I pictured myself collapsing and being intubated in the waiting room of the ER, ending up on a ventilator for weeks. Oddly enough, being in the hospital was incredibly comforting, heading home afterwards was again horrifying. During discharge my heart rate shot up to the 120's and they had to double check that I didn't need more fluid before leaving. The anxiety is slowly taking over and it is debilitating and depressing. 

The saddest part about struggling with prenatal depression is this tension between the life that is forming inside of you and the deep despair you feel about the whole process.  I have never loved anyone or anything so much in my entire life. The moment I knew this life was growing inside of me was a moment I will never forget. It was euphoric and terrifying and life changing. There are moments where I feel those flutters and I can't help but think that I am the luckiest woman in the world to have my son moving inside of me. To be his mother. To love that deeply... seeing those little hands waving across the screen and little feet curled up so small and yet so defined. To hear that quick heartbeat so loud and so strong, growing every day. It brings tears to my eyes... good tears. Tears of deep gratitude and awe, filled with a desire to be better than I have ever been... all for this sweet baby boy who is already redefining my entire existence. Yesterday, in the hospital I was telling Chris how scared I was that our little boy would be harmed by my virus. He told me, "He is in the eye of the storm, babe. He is just fine." What truth. Sure enough, there he was on the ultrasound swimmin' around like a champ. His heart rate truckin' along at his usual 150 beats a minute. He is my peace. My joy in all of this. My eye in the midst of the storm. My sweet Bentley.

I find myself crying out in prayer every day... begging God to make me worthy of this responsibility... of this gift. Praying that I would be enough for my child. That I could give him everything and love him in all the ways he deserves. To be strong enough to overcome my own crap and to believe in myself enough... to trust that in the midst of my mess I could be a good mom... the best mom for my precious boy.

I wish someone had told me that being pregnant isn't always joyous and wonderful and filled with that glittery glow I expected to have. Maybe they did... but I didn't hear it or understand it the way that I do now. People say rude things and your body is unkind to you and yet that same body is miraculously creating another human being all in one breath. Everything is foreign and feels scarily out of control. Pregnancy is hard. Motherhood is hard... even at this stage it is so challenging. I know I will be okay... but I really wish I was better prepared for this... that this is what making a baby turns out to be for some.

Miraculous. Frightening. Life-changing. Sad. Hard. Undoubtedly worth it... but still so very hard.

Life Lately in Photos

yummy smoothies :)

First time my hand was free from the cast after surgery!

Crocheted blanket for the little bundle of love below

love her 

Trip to a cabin in the Sierra's with my favorite people and husband

 Capitola

My favorite beach with my awesome sister in law

 A trip down memory lane... I was a funny kid

 Best Birthday Breakfast ever

Best Birthday Cupcakes ever 

Gluten Free Skinny Cookies

Skinny Cookie Recipe

Last week I was desperately craving cookies or some form of dessert that was easy and healthy to make. It's been three weeks now that I have been off of work and while I have been thoroughly enjoying the time off... my scale has not. When I'm working I bring really healthy meals and snacks and because that is all I have with me for a 12 hour period that is all I eat. Plus I am usually super busy and running around and then on my break I go run or walk for 30-40 minutes. I'm just much more disciplined when I have a set schedule.

Being home 24-7 I have access to my fridge and pantry whenever my whim for munching comes on... which is all. the. time. Seriously I am the worst food addict ever... I love food... I enjoy cooking it and reading about it (so many good food blogs!) and coming from an Italian family, food is a huge social thing.

All that to say that I have been trying to find some healthy alternatives to fun foods and I found a great cookie option that I wanted to share with you all! They have a more chewy consistency than cookies but they are still super delicious.

15 minute Gluten Free Skinny Cookies

2 ripe bananas

1 cup gluten free oats (you can use non-GF oats too)

1/4 cup shredded coconut

1/4 chocolate chips or dark chocolate chunks

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon 

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.

Slice your bananas up into a bowl and mash them up well enough that you are able to stir them with a fork.

Stir in your oats, coconut and cinnamon. Add in your chocolate and mix it into the batter.

(I used this fancy dark chocolate from World Market called Brix and chopped it into little chunks) 

Spoon about 1-2 tbsp size cookies onto your nonstick cookies sheet and bake for 10-15 minutes. 

You want the cookies to stick together well enough that they can be removed from the sheet easily with a spatula. Cool on a rack and enjoy your healthy cookies!

On the Other Side

Running 3 marathons in 2 months totally wiped me out last year. (Not to mention the handful of half marathons and other shorter races I did) I know people who have done 52 marathons in one year and in comparison I kept telling myself that 3 marathons is not that much. I felt bad for not being able to keep up and dropping out of the racing scene the way that I did after becoming a marathon maniac.

Hi, my name is Andi and I am crazy.

3 marathons in less than 60 days is INSANE. 

(Hence the name "marathon maniac" and being initiated into the maniac 'insane asylum'.)

I have to remember to give myself grace sometimes... what is okay for everyone else might not be okay for me... and that is okay too.

I wasn't sure if I would ever come around to running again. So... I took a year off of racing and decided that I would wait until my favorite half marathon came around this fall to race again. That red loop you see on my trail shoes is from that race last year. I haven't removed it yet. A reminder of what I used to love about running. 

A reminder of what is waiting for me on the other side. 

Well, it has been a long year so far and it has taken me some time to get back here.... but I think I can safely say that I am falling in love with running again and I am so ecstatic. 

I am running 3-5 days a week. Short runs, long runs, speed work. It is all coming back and I love it. 

I have even signed up to meet with a trainer to work on my pacing and I will be doing a ChiRunning workshop this weekend to work on my form. 

I am realizing now that I need running in my life. It is my place to go and be alone with my own thoughts. A place to process life and settle into my soul a little deeper. Being the introvert that I am, this is something I have underestimated in my daily life and especially in my marriage. How much I still need alone time even after getting married... I still desperately need that time to re-energize and sift through what my heart is holding onto. It is a wonderful gift... running is my gift. To my health, to my sanity, to my husband too because it makes me a better partner. I love running and I need it in my life.

And anyways... how could you not love running when you run in a place as gorgeous as this?

Welcome to the other side friend... 

the grass really is much greener here.

Nerves and such

Right now I'm at Starbucks, waiting for my husband who is having his wisdom teeth pulled out. It's nice to sit and write and think for a bit. Life has been overwhelming lately.

 I just finished my first section of classes and I could not be more relieved. I did well. Got an A in my technical writing class (which was not easy!) and so far I'm holding an A in my professional nursing class, so thats happy. It's been tough to keep up with all the writing that we have, but I've managed.

Last weekend Chris and I travelled up north along the coast to a small town called Gualala. Just for a night to get away and while it was a beautiful drive it was also terrifying.

 Over the past year or so I have been struggling with having panic attacks in high or crowded places. For example: driving over bridges, getting stuck in gridlock traffic in the far left lane with no way to get out, airplanes in which you are stuck in for hours, driving on cliffy roads that have a drop off of about 1400 feet... diving into the ocean below.

Yeah those types of things will riddle me with fear...

Well, I had a full blown panic attack on the way up AND down the coast, which made for a very difficult trip for the both of us. My husband does not deal with anxiety well and since he has never had a panic attack himself... well for those of you who have had one, you know how awful it can be... but when you haven't had one it's confusing and frustrating. It wasn't until I told him that it literally feels like someone is holding a gun to your head, that he got it. It honestly feels like your heart is going to beat out of your chest and you are going to die at any moment.

We both just didn't know how to handle each other and it was one of those moments where you realize that marriage has such a huge learning curve. How to support each other when you are at your worst... even when your partner can't communicate what they need. Just being there. It isn't easy.

This entire week there has been this tightness in my chest. An overwhelming sense that there is something more to my anxiety then a physical problem. There is something I need to sort out and when I settle into the rare, quiet moments... it is there. This heaviness that needs lifting.

I have a feeling that if I let myself sit still long enough.... that if I quieted my racing mind and just listened to what my heart is trying to say... I would break open and fall to pieces.

I'm not ready for that though... so for now I am holding it together and trying to be gracious. In a few weeks I have 18 days off of work and I am looking forward to that time. Time to take care of me. To take a breath and let it out. To calm my frayed nerves... and hopefully spend some good quality time with my husband. That is what I am holding on for. Until then its one step at a time and a few long runs to keep me sane. 

Be a Match... Save a Life

Hello Friends!

I wanted to drop in to share with you a really cool thing I did recently. Last week I signed up to be a bone marrow donor. An employee at the hospital I work at has a child with cancer and is looking for a bone marrow donor that matches his son. It could literally save his life and all it takes from someone like you or me is about 5 minutes of time to sign up on the website marrow.org or bethematch.org.
After signing up it took about one week to receive my kit in the mail.

The kit was packaged well and the directions were very clear and easy to follow.
All you have to do is take a swab of each area of your cheek with four different sterile swabs. You put it in the designated holder, fold over the card and stick it right back in the pre-paid and addressed envelope they send you in the kit.

 One of the reasons I was so excited about registering is because I discovered that there are now new methods to donating. I always thought donating bone marrow was this hugely invasive, painful  procedure... when in reality it is actually equivalent to donating blood!
If you have questions about it check out their myths and facts section on the site.

So, if you have a few minutes... check out bethematch.org and sign up to become a bone marrow donor. You might not ever be a match for someone but if you are, you could save a life!

Puppies, Friends and Giving

This weekend Chris and I had the joy of hosting one of our favorite couples at our home. They decided to make the trek up from Southern California last minute to adopt a puppy that needed a home. It was so much fun having them here, albeit brief. It was just as awesome meeting their new little bundle of joy, Lucy. 

 Cutest thing, isn't she?! She was also incredibly sweet and gentle and friendly considering she is a rescue. So happy for them and their new pup. 

One of the reasons I am so very thankful for these two are because of their friendship. Kristen and I have known each other for years... since junior high. We have been through high school dances, chemistry classes, moves across country, boyfriends and family issues together. You name it we have been there through it all. I love knowing that no matter where we are in life or how long it has been since we have caught up... we can pick up the phone at any moment and things just continue right where they left off. Truly we are like family. 

Last October we ran a half marathon together. It was Kristen and Adam's first half and I was so excited to be able to do it with them... at my favorite race too! Adam has been on a weight loss journey this past year or so and he has been such a source of inspiration to me. He is now training for his first full marathon! His dedication to becoming healthy and his love for Kristen is something I am so thankful for. They are an awesome team that have been a great part of my life and now Chris' too.

One of the reasons I wanted to write about these two are because of the wonderful things they are doing in their little corner of the world. Kristen is a Speech Pathologist and Adam has just recently launched one of the coolest charities I have seen. It is called Give Bag. It is a charity to serve those experiencing homelessness. 

This is how it works. Give bags are biodegradable bags that hold various food and grocery items. These bags are purchased by givebag.org or sponsored by donors and are distributed through local churches. Community members and church attendees get a bag and then hand it out to those experiencing homelessness. Oh did I mention that it's free to give the bags?

It's simple and yet so meaningful for the giver and the receiver. If you'd like to get involved by giving a bag, sponsoring a bag or you just want to learn more, check out their website at 

www.givebag.org

Nursing Today

Last week one of my co-workers retired and upon his leaving he left all of us on the unit a letter. People had been frequently asking him how he felt about retiring and the letter was his response to that question.

He explained that for him, nursing had changed. "Nursing," he said "is an aggravating job." It seems as if every day there is more work to be done. More people to look over your shoulder, telling you how to do your job. Dictating what you do and when you do it. More rules and regulations to follow and less time to get it all done in a day. Our patients are sicker these days. Technology has advanced and yet the things that are supposed to help us often don't as they should.

The team work and the people will be missed... the chance to be apart of the world of nursing and it's advances in healthcare will be missed too. The back breaking nature of the job and the complete and utter exhaustion at the end of every shift will not. The lack of resources and help when we need it will not be missed either. Taking care of ICU patients and seeing them recover and the gratitude they have will be difficult to leave.

There will be a large void left with retiring from the nursing profession but as that door closes another shall open. The possibilities are endless.

"To put it simply," he said "excited would be a good word for how I feel."

It was so poignant and concise. There was no hesitation in getting straight to it. Nursing is a difficult, frustrating and yes... at times an aggravating job. There are some amazing, rewarding parts of the profession and we are lucky to work with a great group of people.... but when you get to a point when you go home every day worn to the bone and your days off are devoted to recovery... that's when you know it is time to go.

As I sat and read his letter... over and over.... the entire time I kept thinking, "That is exactly how I feel about this job." It was heartbreaking in some ways. To realize that I have come to a point in such a short amount of time where leaving the profession sounds like such a relief.

My health has not been great over the past few months. I have found myself feeling recluse and tired and empty lately when it comes to nursing. There have been moments where I have loved my job and moments where I think, "Now this is why I am a nurse." Yet, overall I feel like I don't have much left to give people... and that includes friends and family which is why it feels so defeating. We have very little support from management and often times I just tend to avoid them at all costs.

Life has been busy too and because I have a night shift schedule I don't ever feel like I have a normal life... or a normal marriage which can be hard. It wears you down sometimes and I don't think it is something that people understand easily.... nor do they have empathy for it.
So... for now I have been praying about it and looking at other options. I don't plan on leaving nursing but it makes me wonder if staying in the ICU will be for me. Who knows? The one thing I can say though is that the world of nursing is large and I know that no matter what I do... I will have many doors to choose from. It's just a matter of having the courage to open one of them. 

Life should always be in bullet points

My life these past two weeks in 10 bullet points

• Celebrated Thanksgiving with my family after coming home from Arizona.
• Worked a ton.
• Moved into my new house!
• Picked a wedding date and have begun planning a wedding that will be very similar to this one.
• Am amazed at how a wedding as simple as that can still cause so much drama. Why do weddings make people crazy?
• Got sick... twice and am still recovering from a horrible cold. 
• Watched my new 3D TV that Chris and I scored on black friday. 
• Did some serious coupon shopping... more on that to come in a future post. 
• Am amazed at the generosity of my new family... seriously I am the luckiest girl alive cause my future in-laws are the best.
• And on that note I want you all to check out this video. My future sister in-law who is incredibly talented is trying to win a contest and she needs a lot more views for her video. Trust me it will be worth your time. This girl can sing!

Happy Monday Friends!

My August Pledge

Image Credit

I have raved about GradyDoctor on this blog before. I still remember the first time my bff Kelly showed me her blog and the first thing that I said was "What?! She's a doctor AND she's an attending?!"

I could not believe that someone so encouraging and down to earth and humble and genuine could actually come from the medical world and not only that but was a top dog in the medical world (which in my neck of the woods tends to = you think you are God). That probably doesn't say a whole ton about my general experience with physicians. I guess that's not 100% fair because contrary to popular belief I love a lot of doctors I have worked with and continue to work with today.... but I digress.

All I'm sayin' is that GradyDoctor is somethin' special and this is exactly the kind of thing that proves my point. Recently she did a blog post about negative self talk and how people are gonna hate... no matter what there are enough people in this world to shoot us arrows.... to cut us down... to belittle us and make us feel small... so why do it to ourselves? I think women especially have a hard time with this. We constantly complain about how we are fat or ugly or not smart enough or good enough. I know I do it all the time. So, that being said I have decided to take a pledge, along with a handful of other GradyDoctor followers. For the rest of August I have pledged to have no more negative self talk. 

This is the pledge copied directly from GradyDoctor's Blog:

Here is the pledge:

(Place your right hand over your hip and then let your backbone slip)

I, insert your name here, do solemnly pledge to allow no insults directed toward or about myself to leave my lips for the rest of the month. This includes but is not limited to references about the following:

• butt size
• hair length
• baby weight
• belly circumference
• skin surface
• crows' feet
• height
• complexion
• salary
• material possessions
• marital status
• relationship status
• grades
• achievements in comparison to someone else
• achievements of your children
• size of your house
• make of your car
• mistake from your past
• compliments to others with reflexive insults to yourself in same breath

The good news is that you can liberally make reference to the following:

• Craziness of your own family members (but only in presence of other family members)
• Annoying quirks of your significant other (but only in absence of your significant other)
• Any person who stars on any reality television show including but not limited to any Kardashian, Snooki, the people on the Parking Wars show, and any of the housewives Real or Basketball. (Exception to this rule: "Swamp People" and the daddy on "Pawn Stars.")

***(play the anthem below and shake what your mama gave you if you commit)***

Vowed on this day in August 2011. . . . (insert your name here.)

***

If you are prepared to go on this self-hateration diet for the next two weeks and you pledge to leave it to the professionals, make your mark, people!

Go check out her post here and if you are up for it join in the pledge and lets see if we can't make August an awesome, hater-nation, free month! 

 :D

  And just for fun I will be picturing getting this look from one of my favorite little girls every time I start to hate on myself. 

haha That's my girl. :)

The SF Marathon

This is the greeting I got as I walked through the doors of the expo for the San Francisco marathon last weekend. I have to admit I was terrified. I love SF with all of my heart but I was not eager to run the greuling  hills of this course... as I learned from Seattle hills are my enemy.

I got my gear together the day before and did my pre-race routine.... Gear check before the expo in case I needed to pick anything up last minute... Get my bib and pin it on my racing skirt and then do my gear check photo and post it to facebook.

I love this because if I am forgetting anything my fellow racing buddies will leave comments reminding me so. My good friend E. noticed that I was missing my garmin in this pic and she reminded me to take it off the charger. :)

It was a perfect morning... 60 degrees with a thin layer of clouds covering the bay. No rain or heavy fog.

I had been debating on dropping down to the half marathon distance... as a matter of fact I was sure of it at one point. I had even told everyone not to come to the race.

The day before I changed my mind... for lots of reasons and let me tell you... I am SO glad I did.

I LOVED the SF marathon... well as much as one can love running for 6 hours and 26.2+ miles.

                   There were a lot of hills...

Not gonna lie...

 I had a few not-so-nice words come out of my mouth when I saw them... and then I proceeded to slowly hike up them... but the course was beautiful!

 We got to run along the coast and through Golden Gate Park and we even got to run over the Golden Gate Bridge! It's the only marathon in the city that does that!

I met Yolanda Holder along the course... for those of you who don't know who she is... she holds the world record for most marathons run by a woman in a single year. She ran 106, I believe. What an inspiration and she was so sweet and took pictures with me on the course too!

One of the best parts of the course was at the finish my grandparents came to see me run in. My grandfather ran the SF marathon in 1982... but he did it in 3 hours 58 mintues! That's a Boston qualifying time! Now my grandpa was able to stand at the finish with me, his medal and mine, side by side. It was a truly special moment for us both. :)

I finished this marathon in 6:08... I was very happy. I set a PR (personal record)!

The best part? I am now officially a marathon maniac!!

And I was welcomed into the crowd by one of my favorite celeb runners... "Endorphine Dude"

When I received the confirmation email from the Marathon Maniacs that I was in... this is what I got...

"Andrea, at last you have found refuge, a place where you can call home, where the Insane can feel Sane again, and once again be treated like a normal human being."

"Welcome To The Marathon Maniacs InSane AsyLum!!!!"

I wish you all could have seen the smile on my face when I read those words.

I could not have been more proud.

Marathon # 3 is on the books and this girl is officially Marathon Maniac #4171!!

P.S. I may be a maniac but I am not as crazy as this guy who literally did the entire half marathon on crutches! Now that is crazy indeed.