I Wish I Knew: What Nobody Tells You About Prenatal Depression.

These days I am taking life one step at a time. I seem to be more familiar with anxiety and a lot of fear as of late. Sometimes it feels as if the isolation is drowning out so much it is hard to tell what is reality and what is the result of the hormones surging inside of me. I feel inadequate and like a complete failure a lot of the time. Instead of feeling feminine and glowing, I feel the extra weight I carried before pregnancy pushing its way out in places too visible for my own comfort. As a result I look further along than I am and people tell me I am huge. I feel self conscious about that. I am tired and winded with each step up my stairs. I am told often that it will only get harder the bigger I get. A claustrophobic's worst fear. I read people's birth and postpartum stories and I squirm in my seat, dreading what is to come with all of my being. I don't recognize myself, my body, my spirit. I wish someone had told me how hard pregnancy was. How motherhood starts from the minute that the second line appears. Despite the tiny heart beating just inches away from my own I feel incredibly alone. Scared and sad.... and so very guilty for feeling so. very. sad.

Last week, I was out with Chris running errands and the entire time I held back tears. A blank stare on my face and this hollow, soulless feeling lurking inside. When we got home, he climbed the stairs to his office and I stood in our kitchen and cried. No... I sobbed. Partially relieved to let it out but mostly devastated that I feel so alone and empty even around the ones that I love so much.

Right now I am battling a horrible case of Influenza A H1N1 coupled with a nasty rhinovirus. When we were driving into the ER last night I saw my life slowly spiraling away. My lungs tightening up and the wheezing growing so loud it almost drowned out the pounding of my rapidly beating heart. I panicked, gripping the seat belt... trying to will myself to breathe. "Just breathe. You are okay. Just breathe, Andi" I said out loud. I pictured myself collapsing and being intubated in the waiting room of the ER, ending up on a ventilator for weeks. Oddly enough, being in the hospital was incredibly comforting, heading home afterwards was again horrifying. During discharge my heart rate shot up to the 120's and they had to double check that I didn't need more fluid before leaving. The anxiety is slowly taking over and it is debilitating and depressing. 

The saddest part about struggling with prenatal depression is this tension between the life that is forming inside of you and the deep despair you feel about the whole process.  I have never loved anyone or anything so much in my entire life. The moment I knew this life was growing inside of me was a moment I will never forget. It was euphoric and terrifying and life changing. There are moments where I feel those flutters and I can't help but think that I am the luckiest woman in the world to have my son moving inside of me. To be his mother. To love that deeply... seeing those little hands waving across the screen and little feet curled up so small and yet so defined. To hear that quick heartbeat so loud and so strong, growing every day. It brings tears to my eyes... good tears. Tears of deep gratitude and awe, filled with a desire to be better than I have ever been... all for this sweet baby boy who is already redefining my entire existence. Yesterday, in the hospital I was telling Chris how scared I was that our little boy would be harmed by my virus. He told me, "He is in the eye of the storm, babe. He is just fine." What truth. Sure enough, there he was on the ultrasound swimmin' around like a champ. His heart rate truckin' along at his usual 150 beats a minute. He is my peace. My joy in all of this. My eye in the midst of the storm. My sweet Bentley.

I find myself crying out in prayer every day... begging God to make me worthy of this responsibility... of this gift. Praying that I would be enough for my child. That I could give him everything and love him in all the ways he deserves. To be strong enough to overcome my own crap and to believe in myself enough... to trust that in the midst of my mess I could be a good mom... the best mom for my precious boy.

I wish someone had told me that being pregnant isn't always joyous and wonderful and filled with that glittery glow I expected to have. Maybe they did... but I didn't hear it or understand it the way that I do now. People say rude things and your body is unkind to you and yet that same body is miraculously creating another human being all in one breath. Everything is foreign and feels scarily out of control. Pregnancy is hard. Motherhood is hard... even at this stage it is so challenging. I know I will be okay... but I really wish I was better prepared for this... that this is what making a baby turns out to be for some.

Miraculous. Frightening. Life-changing. Sad. Hard. Undoubtedly worth it... but still so very hard.

Life Lately

I think I am allergic to my Christmas tree. Either that or I have a yucky on the verge of becoming a horrible cold that just refuses to go away. Seriously... my nose is raw from blowing it so much. It's 1:30am right now and my husband is happily talking in his sleep while I've been desperately hoping my benadryl will kick in so I can go back to bed. On a happy note my tree is real for the first time in years and it smells wonderful and looks so happy! I even got to decorate my very own Starbucks ornament this year! My whole tree is covered with the many Starbucks ornaments I have collected over the years. Literally, I have enough to cover almost my whole tree.

This month has been interesting. Right now I am in my 15th week of pregnancy (yay for the second trimester!) and I am starting to feel huge already. It hasn't helped that people have literally told me that very thing, "You're huge! You aren't that far along. By the end you're gonna be huge!" No joke someone said that to me on Thanksgiving.     >__<     I don't know what it is about being pregnant but seriously everyone seems to think that you are like an open door to being touched or commented on... appropriate or not people will give you their opinion freely and most of the time it is with very little tact... if any at all.

This was me on Thanksgiving. Baby is definitely popping out and I guess considering that I'm barely 5'1" I don't really have anywhere to grow but out. Last week we got to do our nuchal translucency ultrasound which was so fun. Baby was probably sleeping because he/she wouldn't stretch out for us or move... except for one time when the tech was really pressing on my belly so baby got annoyed and turned his/her back to us. The fun thing was that we got a great wave during that moment. 

How cute is that?! Seriously I'm obsessed with my little June bug already. Sometimes when I stop and think about it I am in awe. I have a HUMAN growing inside of me. I'm a real life babushka doll!

The past two weeks or so have been nice because the morning sickness and throwing up has subsided. At this point I'm only puking a few times a week.... I'll take it... as compared to throwing up literally multiple times a day, every day. Also for a while I had to be on a liquid diet because all I could tolerate were foods like soup, yogurt, jello, pudding.... seriously if I never have to eat another pudding snack in my lifetime I'll be fine. 

What else? Work... oh yeah, work. Hmm a lot to say on that front but also not the energy to say it. I also feel like work needs its own post... or many. Either way I'm on vacation until Monday so I'm trying to not think about it and just enjoy the time off I have. Getting ready for Christmas is always an endeavor in this family. I spent the entire day wrapping presents yesterday!

Happy Holidays friends! I hope you are all well and joyful this season. :)

Gluten Free Peach Cobbler Recipe

Over the past two years I have noticed a decline in my lung capacity. My running just hasn't been the same since I had a bout with chronic bronchitis back in late 2011. Despite the many rounds of antibiotics, steroids inhaled and in pill form... nothing has seemed to work and till this day I still have this obnoxious wheeze at the end of my cough. I am slower than ever and my inhaler is my best friend whenever allergy season is here. 

All that to say... my doctor recently told me to go gluten-free thinking maybe it was a gluten or a wheat allergy that was the culprit of my debilitated lungs. I have now been gluten free for a few months and I'm not sure if I'm truly noticing a difference. However, Chris does indeed have a gluten allergy... I have yet to be tested. So, we might as well go down the rabbit hole together and thus the new gluten-free kick.

This week I was really craving a cobbler of some sorts... and lets be honest... who doesn't love a good cobbler? Well, since I came across the most wonderfully ripe and brightly colored peaches I couldn't help myself but to buy up 3 pounds worth in hopes of making a gluten free recipe work. I looked up a few gluten-free cobbler recipes and decided I didn't like any of those... so I made my own.

You could also probably very easily make this recipe work with regular flour if you didn't want to make it gluten free. I used sorghum flour because it is on the sweet side and works well with desserts. 

Gluten Free Peach Cobbler

6 ripe yellow or white peaches ( I used a mixture of both)

1/3 cup sorghum flour (could also substitute with all purpose gluten free flour or regular flour)

1/3 cup gluten free oats 

1/2 cup brown sugar 

1/3 cup butter 

1/2 teaspoon almond extract

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract 

2 tablespoons white sugar

1 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 tablespoon cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. Slice up the peaches in relatively thin slices and line the bottom of your Pyrex or ceramic baking dish. Sprinkle 1 tablespoon of the white sugar onto the peaches along with the vanilla and almond extract. 

Mix all of the dry ingredients together in a bowl except 1 tablespoon of the white sugar that is already on the peaches. Cut small tabs of the butter into the dry ingredients and mix together with a fork .

You want it to get crumbly in the bowl so it has that cobbler consistency when you layer it on top of the peaches. 

I cooked the cobbler with the lid of my dish on top. It kept the flour moist but it also made the cobbler pretty runny. If you left it uncovered it might be better but you just have to be careful because many gluten free flours brown very easily. 

Let the dish cook at 375 degrees for about 20 minutes. Check periodically to make sure the top is not burning. 

When you see the juice from the peaches bubbling up, you know it is done. Serve with a side of your favorite vanilla ice cream and voila! Beautiful gluten-free cobbler for dessert. 

Enjoy!

Dickies Scrub Top Review and Coupon Code to Uniformed Scrubs!

A while back I was contacted by a rep at UniformedScrubs.com about testing out one of the Dickies scrub tops for their new spring line. I love Dickies so I had no problem with that. :) They sent me a brown, scoop neck top that had some interesting little details to it. Most of the time I tend not to pay too much attention to my scrub tops. I figure as long as they don't make me look huge or like I work in a quilt shop I'm okay. I will admit though that this top was of really good quality (no surprise with Dickies) and it felt nice to wear a soft, comfy material that actually had some tailoring in the design. Everyone at work noticed it and was like "Oh, Andi you're actually looking girly and cute today!" haha 

Don't mind the pictures. I wore the shirt twice just to get a good feel for it and I remembered on the way out the door to work the second time that I should probably snap a few photos to post on here. To make it easy I'll do my pro con list (which I do for almost every decision of my life) ...

Pros:                                

Super Soft Material

Tailored to not look like a box (unlike most scrub tops)

Quality make that feels like it will last 

Huge front pockets that fit a ton of stuff

Cute details that people actually notice

Cons:

Scoop neck is wide enough that a sports bra will show through (see above photo)

Capped sleeves feel constricting (see photo below) and a little too girly for my taste

  

All in all any Dickies Scrub Top is a solid investment for any nurse. I have always loved their brand and this was no exception. My only issues are related to the style of the top and that would be more in my control if I was the one doing the shopping... which I might have to do because Uniformed Scrubs gave  me a coupon code to hand out to all of my wonderful blog readers!

A couponer like me gets way too excited about such things...

If you are looking for some new medical scrubs head over to uniformed scrubs and check out their Dickies line... 

at checkout enter in "trueblue" which is 15% off until July 31st 2013.

Happy Shopping Friends!

Vacation

This week I have been off of work and I have to admit that it has been a somewhat strange week. I've been waking up every morning and going straight to work on homework and school stuff. Between the multiple papers, quizzes and reading assignments, I have had plenty to keep me busy every. single. day. It has been boring and exhausting all in the same breath.

 Luckily, I have had the chance to catch up with some friends that I rarely get to see, which has been nice. My old roommates came over and we played mouse trap and clue and had an awesome dinner (burrito bar!)

 I have been obsessed with my brand new Blendtec blender and have been making green smoothies practically twice a day.

Chris and I went to see Jersey Boys, which was THE BEST. I usually am not a huge fan of musicals... loved performing them in high school and what not but I just could never get into watching them ...but Jersey Boys... I could see that one a few times over it was that good. Before we saw the show we stopped into a really cute diner, which I thought was fitting considering what we were seeing. :)

 All in all, its been a really good, productive week. Also, this is the first time in four years that I've been able to sleep like a normal human being without sleeping pills for longer than a week! So jealous of you day shift people! I have a few days left of vacation and I am definitely dreading going back to work, but for now I am really thankful for the pause button on all the stress. :)

The 17 mile drive

Recently, Chris and I went south to Monterey Bay, CA for our one year wedding anniversary and it was an amazing weekend. I would have to say that despite growing up just 2 hours away from this area and having been to Monterey downtown a number of times... I had never actually driven the famous 17 mile drive. 

 The entire drive is absolutely breathtaking and the whole time it felt like we had been transported to Hawaii because the water was so incredibly gorgeous with bright teals and aqua blues.

Rocky shores with white sanded beaches... and sand dunes around the bay.

It was so wonderful to have a lazy weekend of eating, relaxing and spending time with my husband in the middle of one of the most incredible places. It made me very thankful for my life and everything I have been blessed with this past year.

Having that time to get away, even for just a night. To slow down and enjoy life a little was nice... and so rare for me these days. 

I have been making a conscious effort lately to be more thankful... which I will write more about another day. It has been slowly changing me from the inside out and I am realizing that it takes a conscious effort... like eating right or exercising. I have to choose to be thankful every day... even when it seems like all hope is lost.

Even when I am exhausted and at the end of my rope... I have to choose to be thankful.

Sometimes when it gets a little hard to smile, I pull out these pictures and imagine what it would be like to have a little beach cottage on the edge of this coast.

A big porch and a large kitchen that looks out over the ocean views.

I can't help but smile then and suddenly I recognize the gift that I can even have that dream.

What makes you thankful friends?

HGTV and House Envy

Right now I am obsessed with basically everything that airs on HGTV. Shows like Income Property, Cousins on Call and List it or Love it have been perpetually playing on the TV in our house. I even got Chris hooked on it and we have been swooning over the gorgeous kitchens and open concept floor plans. Not to mention the ridiculously low housing costs of basically everywhere else in the United States in comparison to where we live. The SF bay area is about neck and neck with Manhattan these days and trust me when I say there is no housing slump going on here. In fact just this past month two townhouses in our very small complex went up for sale and were sold within a week or two of being listed. Not to mention the fact that one of them was listed for $639,000 ...for a 3 bedroom 2 bath 1500sq ft townhouse with HOA fees of $450 a month! Insane I tell you.

For the most part I never had a major desire to own a home. I have always appreciated the no strings attached approach to living that renting gives you. No property tax, no repairs and reno costs, freedom to move at any point...and then again there is also the downside of having no write offs when it comes to tax season. After filing for the first time as a married person this year I felt that dagger straight to the heart ...or more appropriately my checkbook. All that to say that this is the first time where I have been actively pining over the thought of owning a home.

I absolutely love where we live now and if we could I would buy the place in a heart beat. It's a definite fixer upper but it's all cosmetic stuff that could be fun to tackle. I have been finding myself thinking more frequently... "If we bought this place, first thing I'd do is get rid of this old carpet. yuck!" or saying "hey husband, I think I found my dream kitchen" Something along these lines would do. :)

It's hard not to get incredibly discouraged when I watch these shows though because realistically, I can't imagine ever being able to afford buying a house in this area and yet I have no desire to move away from here.
So for now HGTV will continue to be my vice and maybe someday I will be lucky enough to have a space where I can actually put paint on the walls.

Things I Miss

Going through my old photos the other day made me realize how much I miss photography... among many other things. 

Happy Monday Friends

On the Other Side

Running 3 marathons in 2 months totally wiped me out last year. (Not to mention the handful of half marathons and other shorter races I did) I know people who have done 52 marathons in one year and in comparison I kept telling myself that 3 marathons is not that much. I felt bad for not being able to keep up and dropping out of the racing scene the way that I did after becoming a marathon maniac.

Hi, my name is Andi and I am crazy.

3 marathons in less than 60 days is INSANE. 

(Hence the name "marathon maniac" and being initiated into the maniac 'insane asylum'.)

I have to remember to give myself grace sometimes... what is okay for everyone else might not be okay for me... and that is okay too.

I wasn't sure if I would ever come around to running again. So... I took a year off of racing and decided that I would wait until my favorite half marathon came around this fall to race again. That red loop you see on my trail shoes is from that race last year. I haven't removed it yet. A reminder of what I used to love about running. 

A reminder of what is waiting for me on the other side. 

Well, it has been a long year so far and it has taken me some time to get back here.... but I think I can safely say that I am falling in love with running again and I am so ecstatic. 

I am running 3-5 days a week. Short runs, long runs, speed work. It is all coming back and I love it. 

I have even signed up to meet with a trainer to work on my pacing and I will be doing a ChiRunning workshop this weekend to work on my form. 

I am realizing now that I need running in my life. It is my place to go and be alone with my own thoughts. A place to process life and settle into my soul a little deeper. Being the introvert that I am, this is something I have underestimated in my daily life and especially in my marriage. How much I still need alone time even after getting married... I still desperately need that time to re-energize and sift through what my heart is holding onto. It is a wonderful gift... running is my gift. To my health, to my sanity, to my husband too because it makes me a better partner. I love running and I need it in my life.

And anyways... how could you not love running when you run in a place as gorgeous as this?

Welcome to the other side friend... 

the grass really is much greener here.

For the Love of Running

When I finished my marathons last year there was this pause in my running life. I had become so completely worn out with running and particularly racing, that it took everything I had to finish out my planned races for the year. In October of last year I finished my last race in Morgan Hill. A half marathon I ran with my sister-in-law. It was a beautiful course and a great run. It was a perfect way to end my epic year of running.

Now almost 6 months later I have been through some big ups and downs with my love (or lack thereof) of running. I haven't done a single race since then and I only just began running regularly about a month ago. My health in general has not been great. I have been battling with my asthma and had to fight off a lingering bronchitis that has seemed to do some major damage to my endurance.

There have been moments where I really miss racing. Even moments where I considered running another full marathon. I look back at the training I did for my three marathons last year and it was lack luster at best. I am saddened when I realize that I probably could have gotten a much faster time had I done more than just my weekly long runs... if that.

So for now I have decided to take a different approach. I don't want to burn out like I did last year. I want to fall back in love with running... so I am letting it woo me back. I am going back to the beginning.  The 5K... it is the basis of training... the starting point. I want to run for endurance, for speed and for health.... but mostly for fun. For me, the challenge is the ability to see how much you can improve and overcome when you push yourself... that is the fun. I may be a slow runner but I improve a little every day. That's what counts. I look at what I have accomplished and I am so incredibly proud. I do hope to one day get back to the point where I can run a half marathon at the drop of a dime... but I am not there yet.

I have been getting better... healthier. I am still struggling with my asthma but I am pushing through and I am giving myself the grace to take a day off or two. I have toyed with the idea of signing up for upcoming races... yes, even full marathons... but for now I am not signed up for anything until October 2012. And for now, that is okay... because all that matters is that I have a date with the open trails and my running shoes. Who knows where they will take me... but I am excited to find out.