Control- and the lack thereof

*One of my favorite pictures from Ireland. The definition of slowing down to me is an Irishman strolling down a country road in the middle of no where. 

Life has been a little nutty for me recently (let's face it... when is my life not nutty these days?) I have had my fair share of meltdowns these past few months but recently for some reason my life (or really my to-do list/schedule) feels totally out of control. I have always known that I am a complete and utter control freak. Certified, Type-A, cannot trust anyone with anything Control Freak. It isn't healthy and I know this but I have found ways to channel it that are 'normal' and somewhat healthy and in the environment I work in.... being a control freak is expected and actually highly valued. When you are dealing with someone's life it doesnt hurt to be able to control your environment (or at least most of it).

I think this need for control comes from a lot of different factors. I think it is a big part of American culture to be this way and particularly in the area I live... control over your finances, your home, your schedule, your career, control over people... all of those things are sought after. I also think for me in particular... most of my life has been lived in chaos. Most of my life I have been in survival mode... scraping by with a below poverty level income and working insane hours just to get by. When I settled into nursing it took a while to let go of that "OMG one wrong move and it all goes to hell" mentality. 

And while the addition of a relationship in my life has been one of the best things that has happened to me this year... I have to admit that it has proven to be difficult in ways I didn't imagine. Learning to balance time with family, friends and Chris has been tough. Really tough actually. When I was single I had fine tuned the world around me to fit together really well. I had found ways to control my environment... invested in everything enough so that I had just enough time alone, a lot of time with my closest friends and I began really investing into running and marathon training. I excelled at work enough to make me feel secure in my job and excited about the challenge that being in the ICU offered. Now I have to re-organize it all again. I have to find where it all fits and it hasn't been easy. 

What has surprised me more than anything about being in a relationship though is that I think in many ways it has magnified just how much I thrive on having that control. I have never been a fan of having to rely on people... for the most part (minus my friends) people have never been reliable. Now here I am in a serious relationship and the control freak in me is screaming "THIS IS NOT SAFE!" It's tough folks... I just don't quite know where the balance is. More often than not I tend to lean on the independent side of things more than the co-dependent side. Still, emotionally sometimes I feel like if I can't keep everything (people included) packaged up in the nice, neat little box I placed them... I'm afraid it will all fall apart... and so will I for that matter. Trusting that people will be there... trusting people in general is not a strength of mine to say the least. 

One of these days I will hopefully figure it out... but in the meantime I will lace up my shoes and go for a run. After all... there are few things in this world that a good run can't fix. 

Life Lately

First off... to all my American readers... Happy (Late) Thanksgiving! I was all excited to do a Thanksgiving post... full of lovely photos of the dinner I had at my house (including the 25lb turkey I cooked!) but I failed miserably and forgot to take any pictures at all! Every year my group of friends and I have this tradition of doing what we call BFF Thanksgiving... usually the weeekend after and it is probably one of my favorite parts of the holiday season. I've said it before but the holidays with my family are usually pretty stressful and BFF Thanksgiving is the opposite of that which is why I love it so much. Although this year my family decided to split things up and it worked out well. Dinner with my grandparents in the afternoon and dessert with my mom and her friends in the evening... made for a lot less fighting this year which was much happier for everyone I think. :)

Thanksgiving morning I ran my first 5K race... in 38 degree weather, might I add (that is freezing for us Cali folk)! The race supported an organization called KidsStrong. A charity that supports families of child cancer victims and survivors. I was happy to make a personal record also! 28:50 minutes for 3.1 miles... not bad for someone who ran 13 minute miles just 7 months ago! :)

Another fun thing that has been a great addition to my marathon training... trail running! One of the things I love most about where I live is that we have the most amazing hiking trails just minutes from my house. Full of lush green trees and redwood forests. How could you not want to run all the time when the scenery looks like this?! One of these days I'll take my SLR out there and get some better pictures of the place. Unfortunately my iphone takes pretty crappy pictures but I think you guys get the gist :)

In a few weeks I will be running my first 10K trail race too which should be fun... especially because there will be finisher medals for that one. I'm a total sucker for those racing medals!

On a more personal note... this girl... the one who has been infamously single and has (for the most part) loved it and thought she would remain that way forever... is now in a relationship... *gasp* I know... there will be updates on that to come soon but for now I must get back to work :)

How was everyone else's holiday?

Life in bullet points

 

• I have been craving cake recently... anyone have any good recipes to share??
• I realize that when I am running on no sleep... when I am exhausted I am a completely different person. In fact I can't even stand myself when I get to that point of exhaustion because I am a certified pain in the ass. 
• I despise hormones and what they do to my body. 
• aka PMS sucks.
• I think I am the only person who can manage to gain weight while training for a marathon. 
• BTW, did I mention that I officially am registered to run my first FULL MARATHON  on 6/5/11?
• I bought new trail running shoes this weekend... aren't they cute? (sorry for the crappy iphone pic)

•  I haven't pulled out my camera since Colorado and I'm seriously jonesin' for some photography time.

•  Sometimes when I look at my photos I close my eyes and try to pretend I've never seen them before... when I open my eyes and see them again I fall completely in love with every single image.
• This girl has an amazing voice and I've been listening to this song over and over again.

• I have a really bad habit of listening to a song on repeat for days.... literally days.
• Boys are dumb and I don't understand them at ALL... truly part of the reason I love being single is because I don't have to try and figure them out... most of the time I just pretend they don't exist but every now and then that doesn't quite work and I realize all over again that they are just frustrating... stupid boys.
• Something REALLY exciting.... I'M NOT MOVING! I've convinced my roomie Sam to pay a little extra so we can just have a spare room and that way we will keep our awesome condo, have a guest room and no moving!! yayyyy
• Sorry for the lame post but I have not had the time to sit and properly blog. Hopefully that will change very soon. :)

Happy Friday Friends!!

Nurse Down

Idaho Springs, CO

Well friends, I've made it home from Colorado in one piece but it was quite a feat I'll tell ya. I ended up getting sick the last day of my visit and by the end of the day had landed myself in urgent care. It began with me waking up at 5am, nauseous as ever and throwing up that morning before leaving for the airport. I just kept thinking, "Okay, please Andi...just make it through the flight without throwing up." I hadn't eaten anything that morning cause I was afraid I was gonna end up regretting that later, so by the time I got to the airport I was pretty out of it. When I stood up to board the plane I began feeling really light headed and everything around me became muffled... as if I had noise canceling headphones on. I was instantly drenched in sweat and felt so dizzy I decided that it would be a good idea if I sat down on the arm rest of a chair near the boarding line.

Next thing I know I wake up on the floor with some lady nudging me, asking me if I had tripped or if I had just passed out? I, being determined to get home, mumbled "yeah" and proceeded to get up and get on the plane.... completely confused and terrified at what had just happened.

To make a long story short I ended up calling my bff Kelly and had her pick me up and take me to urgent care when I got home. Seriously, thank goodness for my friends because its moments like this where its really tough to be single and not have family that you can count on. Poor Kelly sat in the waiting room for hours while I got worked up. It ended up that I just caught a nasty virus and combine that with the altitude change in Denver... made for a severely dehydrated mess of a nurse. EKG, labs, meds and 2 liters of fluid later I was sent home to sleep and try to start eating again.
I'm still very weak and dizzy when I stand up but at least I'm keeping down food and fluids! I'll do a Colorado update soon but for now I'm gonna go back to sleep and try to get some strength back before I have to work tomorrow!

Have a good day friends! Hope your week is going better than mine:)

Living a Single Existence... Part 2

As a continuation from my last post on being single. I think it really embodied a lot of the struggles I have encountered... the gist of what I had felt for a long time. I think it should be noted that the first thing I thought of as being a "bummer" about being single was feeling deficient or pitied... not that it was lonely or that I just wanted to "have someone"... really it was about how I am viewed by the world.

BUT... and this is a big but... in the midst of all of this digging and searching and trying to figure it all out, some really great things have come about for me. It gave me a huge opportunity to step back and really think...
"Okay, if I associate being married with having worth and I associate it with a very strong way of being loved...or rather proof that I am worthy of love...well then, what happens if I don't get married?"

Does that mean I am not worthy of being loved?

Serious question here and it required a serious, honest answer. In having that realization I was able to stand back and really evaluate how I view myself and how I think a lot of single women view themselves as "damaged" goods or unworthy. I think it started sinking in for me before I headed out to Colorado but it definitely settled in during my trip there... just how much I had internalized that thought process.

I have to say that I have been so incredibly blessed with some amazing people in my life who have been able to build me up and show me my worth. Really, more than anything my group of friends and Ami and her family have been probably the biggest factors in realizing.... wow, I am worthy of being loved... and you know what I am so, so loved!

I know... it might sound trivial and kind of cheesy but coming from an abusive background... it is not something that has come naturally. And I think people who have been victims of abuse struggle perpetually with feelings of worthlessness.

So, all that to say that I've come to have a completely different view of my singleness. I don't see it as a deficit in my life by any means. I am so, so thankful for it. I love my life and the freedom I have being single and I feel so much more confident in my own skin. I also think it has given me a completely different view of marriage and the purpose of it. I think the original intent of marriage was about creating a community and a family... and I think I have a completely different outlook on what that means for someone like me who has very little family and is also single.

If I was to ever marry it wouldn't be to find the worth that I now know I can only find for myself and in my faith but it would be to have a commitment with someone that I loved and valued... and to create an extension of the community and family I have with the amazing people I hold so dear in my life.

Truthfully, I doubt I'll ever get married... I don't have any interest in searching for someone or dating really and to be really, really honest... I hate weddings  (I know, probably the only female in the world who does... but they just really stress me out) I will say though, that if I was to get married this is what my wedding would be like... awesome is all I have to say.

I don't know what the future holds for me but I do know that it is hopeful and happy and there are many doors open and so many possibilities. Especially being a nurse and loving to travel... who knows where I will end up? Single or not... it sounds pretty darn great to me :)

Living a single existence... Part 1

Lately, something that has been a big part of my life and at the forefront of my mind, is my identity as a single woman. I have been reading a book and a blog written by the author Bella DePaulo; a social psychologist and a happily single woman. Her book "Singled Out," is about how single people are "stigmatized, stereotyped and ignored and still live happily ever after."

Her blog "Living Single" has really confronted many issues I deal with as a single woman.

This whole journey of venturing into my struggles of being a single woman all started when I admitted to a close friend recently (a friend who is marreid btw) that when I am in a group of married women or even women who are engaged... I automatically feel less important. I am an opinionated and independent person and I think as a result, a lot of times, I come off as very confident and strong (even though I rarely feel that way inside) and yet...put me in a group of married women and I will automatically feel self conscious and less important...less valued. Like how I feel or what I think is not as worthy as what a married woman has to say.

Admitting that for the first time was huge for me, because to be honest I don't think it was something I had even openly acknowledged for myself.

 I think for a lot of women...in fact the majority of women in our culture, marriage is something that defines you. Women find worth, value and identity in being a wife or being desired by a man... but it wasn't until I had this conversation with my friend Kelly, that I was able to stand back and really evaluate my view on marriage and singleness.

Shortly after that conversation, I came across a post on the Living Single blog that truly resonated with how I felt. In summary this is what the post was about.

"In Between: Happily Single but Interested in Coupling."

30 single women from the UK, between the ages of 30 and 60 were involved in informal interviews about their singleness. The researcher, Jill Reynolds told them she was single, even though she was married, hoping they would speak more freely to her about the subject.

This is directly from the blog post:

"Reynolds identified four different ways of thinking about single status. (She called them "interpretive repertoires of singleness.")

1. Singleness as personal deficit

2. Singleness as social exclusion

3. Singleness as independence and choice

4. Singleness as self-development and achievement

The women who talked about singleness as a personal deficit were not necessarily saying that they felt deficient because they were single. Rather, they recognized that women who are single - especially past a certain age - are often viewed by others as deficient. Their hesitation in saying that they don't have a partner (even though they already said so in signing up for the research, and even though they were talking to a woman who told them she was single, too) could have been an indication of their sense that their single status was something that needed to be explained. As Reynolds put it, "Single women in effect always stand accused."

...

One of Reynolds' most intriguing suggestions is that there are dilemmas involved in all of the different perspectives on single life, not just the negative ones. Of course, it is painful to be viewed as damaged goods and to be excluded. But women who describe their singleness as independence and as a choice they have made are not home free. For example, others sometimes see them as selfish. Or, people tell those contented single people that they are just rationalizing.

The single women, as I've noted, seemed to feel the need to explain and elaborate when asked if they had a partner. Reynolds found it even more surprising that the women were apologetic when they said that they DID want a partner in the future. Why should that have been so difficult to admit? Why even think of it as an admission?

The dilemma, Reynolds thinks, is that when women "talk unashamedly about their desire for a relationship," they "risk being constructed as deficient and ‘desperate', and marked by their failure to already have a man.""

I think she hit the nail right on the head there... I think in so many ways I have viewed myself as unworthy of love if I am single and in the process have had a very insufficient view of marriage and of singlehood as a result.

I could really write forever about the subject because it is something I have been intentionally sorting through...but I won't go on forever about it in this post... hence this being "Part 1". :)

In the meantime... I'm curious about your view of singlehood? For those of you who are married...did you ever feel deficient because you were single? And those that are single now...do you feel like you are viewed as deficient by others because of your singleness?

The two dreaded words a nurse will ever face...

Burn Out.

I never thought I'd say it... well at least not this early in my career... but I feel it. Completely and all consuming. I am burnt out! I am tired and overwhelmed and despite the fact that I have had 6 out of the last 7 days off of work... I am dreading returning tomorrow. Partly because I will be working 8 out of the next 10 days....all 12 hour shifts.

yup, that's 84 hours of work in the next 7 days...

ugh, I just felt my stomach sink. Maybe its the combination of being short staffed and over worked and tired and feeling like I haven't had a lot of support recently. Maybe it's also a product of getting tired of the gossip that constantly floats around our unit.... nothing awful, just little bits of people's opinions that come out here and there. It's exhausting to deal with.

Anyway, it's why I haven't posted about my nursing life recently. My nursing life has been tiring and hard. Not exactly the kind of thing you want to write about when you are desperately trying to run from it at all times. I have been really enjoying diving into my photography and reading and getting good, quality time with close friends and new friends recently. 

As a matter of fact I just had an impromptu dinner party tonight that was such a blast! Pictures soon to come from that.... As well as a Vancouver post and a post on a big topic that has been lingering within my group of BFF's recently... being single.

In the meantime... if anyone has any tips on dealing with burn out in the work place... I'm ALL ears. 

Here's to a (hopefully) good week ahead!

Where do you belong?

Lately, I've been evaluating my life as a single person. I've been reading a book called, "Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After."

It's a great book and I've really been enjoying having someone stand up and shout to the world that single people are no less valuable or worthy than married people. I think women all too often, find their worth, value and validation in marriage. Not only that but I think people have a huge misconception that single people are pitiful, lonely and pathetic (so not true!).

Well, maybe you don't think you see it that way, but let's be honest... how many of you engaged or married gals would admit that when you met your significant other it was a sigh of relief and a huge boost in your self confidence and self image?

NOT that I value marriage any less...I'm just sayin'...

Yet, I digress...that is not the intent of this post... I have much more to say on that topic ....but it's still mulling around in my head and I've got to sort it out for myself first before I word vomit it to the internet. :) Trust me...you'll thank me for that later.

What I really want to know is....

Where do you belong?

or rather....

Where do you find your sense of security? Your sense of belonging and acceptance?

Is it family?

Is it friends?

A significant other?

Or maybe even a job?

Church?

In service activity?

Or a combination of many things?

Please do share...there are obviously no wrong or right answers and I'd love to hear from you all!