Life Lately in Photos

yummy smoothies :)

First time my hand was free from the cast after surgery!

Crocheted blanket for the little bundle of love below

love her 

Trip to a cabin in the Sierra's with my favorite people and husband

 Capitola

My favorite beach with my awesome sister in law

 A trip down memory lane... I was a funny kid

 Best Birthday Breakfast ever

Best Birthday Cupcakes ever 

Babies and Adulthood

I don't know about you, but in my neck of the woods it seems like everyone around me is either pregnant or just had a baby. Everywhere I turn ...at work, the blogs I read, friends ...so many babies and pregnant women around me. The second Chris and I got married the "So, when are you guys having kids?" questions came pouring in. To be honest, for most of my life, I did not want children and actually that was a huge discussion between Chris and I at the beginning of our relationship. For the most part, I had raised my younger sister and I felt like I had already done my job. I also always have this fear in the back of my mind that I just won't be able to handle being a parent. The sacrifice just seems to be too great and I'd rather not bring another little person into this world unless I was absolutely dying to take care of one.

I can confidently say that right now, I am not in any way dying to take care of another human being. Anyways, being an ICU nurse in a busy VA hospital, I feel like that is all I do these days. Between work and school I can barely keep afloat with basic things like sleep and a normal social life. The thought of being pregnant and then raising a child sounds impossible.

Still, there is this anxiousness in me whenever I see yet another pregnancy announcement. I'm 28 years old so it makes sense that this is the time when people are starting to settle into family life ...I remember having the same angst when everyone around me started getting engaged and married. Even when I wasn't looking to get married there was still this part of me that felt ...left out, I guess? Now, I think I'm afraid that some day when I actually am  ready to have children, that the time will have passed and we won't be able to have them or that it will just be too late. This dissonance in my life of knowing that I am not ready to have kids at all but that I guess maybe this intense feeling that I should be?  I know it will most likely be years before we decide to start a family because there is just too much to do before then, but I just can't figure out how to calm that nagging voice in the mean time. 

Vacation

This week I have been off of work and I have to admit that it has been a somewhat strange week. I've been waking up every morning and going straight to work on homework and school stuff. Between the multiple papers, quizzes and reading assignments, I have had plenty to keep me busy every. single. day. It has been boring and exhausting all in the same breath.

 Luckily, I have had the chance to catch up with some friends that I rarely get to see, which has been nice. My old roommates came over and we played mouse trap and clue and had an awesome dinner (burrito bar!)

 I have been obsessed with my brand new Blendtec blender and have been making green smoothies practically twice a day.

Chris and I went to see Jersey Boys, which was THE BEST. I usually am not a huge fan of musicals... loved performing them in high school and what not but I just could never get into watching them ...but Jersey Boys... I could see that one a few times over it was that good. Before we saw the show we stopped into a really cute diner, which I thought was fitting considering what we were seeing. :)

 All in all, its been a really good, productive week. Also, this is the first time in four years that I've been able to sleep like a normal human being without sleeping pills for longer than a week! So jealous of you day shift people! I have a few days left of vacation and I am definitely dreading going back to work, but for now I am really thankful for the pause button on all the stress. :)

The 17 mile drive

Recently, Chris and I went south to Monterey Bay, CA for our one year wedding anniversary and it was an amazing weekend. I would have to say that despite growing up just 2 hours away from this area and having been to Monterey downtown a number of times... I had never actually driven the famous 17 mile drive. 

 The entire drive is absolutely breathtaking and the whole time it felt like we had been transported to Hawaii because the water was so incredibly gorgeous with bright teals and aqua blues.

Rocky shores with white sanded beaches... and sand dunes around the bay.

It was so wonderful to have a lazy weekend of eating, relaxing and spending time with my husband in the middle of one of the most incredible places. It made me very thankful for my life and everything I have been blessed with this past year.

Having that time to get away, even for just a night. To slow down and enjoy life a little was nice... and so rare for me these days. 

I have been making a conscious effort lately to be more thankful... which I will write more about another day. It has been slowly changing me from the inside out and I am realizing that it takes a conscious effort... like eating right or exercising. I have to choose to be thankful every day... even when it seems like all hope is lost.

Even when I am exhausted and at the end of my rope... I have to choose to be thankful.

Sometimes when it gets a little hard to smile, I pull out these pictures and imagine what it would be like to have a little beach cottage on the edge of this coast.

A big porch and a large kitchen that looks out over the ocean views.

I can't help but smile then and suddenly I recognize the gift that I can even have that dream.

What makes you thankful friends?

January 27th

It has been one year since Chris and I got married. I have so many emotions about our anniversary. We have been through so much this year. Everyone told us that the first year of marriage would be the hardest.  I will say that we have been through a handful of things that have made this year challenging. I have no doubt that marriage is the most difficult thing I have tackled thus far.

We are lucky enough to be surrounded by amazing family and friends who have supported us and been there for us through this first year. I am so incredibly blessed with in-laws that I love just as much as my own family. I feel so at home with them and I could not imagine my life without any of them in it. 

If there is one thing I have learned this year about myself and about marriage it would be summed up in one word ...perseverance. Choosing to join my life with another human being has forced me to persevere through so much. When I was single I had the choice to run from and ignore a lot of junk within myself. Now that I am accountable to another person I have to reconcile all of these messy parts within myself. The moments when I don't feel like being considerate or gracious or loving I have to choose to think of the other person first. I have to choose to address the parts of myself that are selfish and defensive and just downright emotionally ugly. 

I know we have both struggled with learning to live with another person and adapting to the fact that your time is not solely yours anymore. It is shared with this other person who doesn't necessarily do things the way you would. We have had to figure out the balance of life together instead of life as a single person. 

We have survived job transitions, the loss of family members that were integral parts of our lives, and me starting school all in this first year. It definitely hasn't been easy...

but it has been absolutely the best thing I have ever committed myself to. This man that I married has made my life so much brighter, happier and full of love in ways that I never could have imagined if I had chosen to stay single. 

Marriage is the most sanctifying process I have ever endured. The love I receive from this man is one of the greatest gifts I have been given. The ways he fights for me and chooses to love me even in the midst of my mess ...it has not only been humbling but transforming in so many ways. I am so lucky to have someone so caring, loyal, patient, and strong. 

Chris, I love you more than you'll ever know and I can only hope to be the wife you deserve every day. Thank you for loving me in all the ways that you do. Thank you for always striving to be a better man. Thank you for being you. 

Happy Anniversary husband. Here's to many more. 

Nerves and such

Right now I'm at Starbucks, waiting for my husband who is having his wisdom teeth pulled out. It's nice to sit and write and think for a bit. Life has been overwhelming lately.

 I just finished my first section of classes and I could not be more relieved. I did well. Got an A in my technical writing class (which was not easy!) and so far I'm holding an A in my professional nursing class, so thats happy. It's been tough to keep up with all the writing that we have, but I've managed.

Last weekend Chris and I travelled up north along the coast to a small town called Gualala. Just for a night to get away and while it was a beautiful drive it was also terrifying.

 Over the past year or so I have been struggling with having panic attacks in high or crowded places. For example: driving over bridges, getting stuck in gridlock traffic in the far left lane with no way to get out, airplanes in which you are stuck in for hours, driving on cliffy roads that have a drop off of about 1400 feet... diving into the ocean below.

Yeah those types of things will riddle me with fear...

Well, I had a full blown panic attack on the way up AND down the coast, which made for a very difficult trip for the both of us. My husband does not deal with anxiety well and since he has never had a panic attack himself... well for those of you who have had one, you know how awful it can be... but when you haven't had one it's confusing and frustrating. It wasn't until I told him that it literally feels like someone is holding a gun to your head, that he got it. It honestly feels like your heart is going to beat out of your chest and you are going to die at any moment.

We both just didn't know how to handle each other and it was one of those moments where you realize that marriage has such a huge learning curve. How to support each other when you are at your worst... even when your partner can't communicate what they need. Just being there. It isn't easy.

This entire week there has been this tightness in my chest. An overwhelming sense that there is something more to my anxiety then a physical problem. There is something I need to sort out and when I settle into the rare, quiet moments... it is there. This heaviness that needs lifting.

I have a feeling that if I let myself sit still long enough.... that if I quieted my racing mind and just listened to what my heart is trying to say... I would break open and fall to pieces.

I'm not ready for that though... so for now I am holding it together and trying to be gracious. In a few weeks I have 18 days off of work and I am looking forward to that time. Time to take care of me. To take a breath and let it out. To calm my frayed nerves... and hopefully spend some good quality time with my husband. That is what I am holding on for. Until then its one step at a time and a few long runs to keep me sane. 

Life Lately

I should be doing my homework right now but my brain has turned into complete mush... so here I am catching up on a long overdue post. I am warning you now (husband this one is for you) that this post will most likely be full of grammatical errors. Last week I began my technical writing class and I have been completely overwhelmed with my lack of writing skills. I have always known that I am horrible with grammar and punctuation... writing etiquette etc. But what I love about this place is that I don't really care if I write incorrectly. Because this place is where I can write like I think and for me that is fine and dandy. Take that writing teacher! No APA format here, no sir.

On that note... school is in full swing and boy is it way harder than I was expecting. Every week I have a 5-10 page paper due, a quiz, a test, and loads of reading/research for each class and I am taking two of them. One nursing related and one writing class. It's exhausting. Hopefully this program won't completely run me into the ground. One thing I will say though is that so far I am actually enjoying the nursing class. The reading is interesting enough and the assignments aren't full of busy work... only slightly.

On the work front things are steady. Summer is here and so far *knock on wood* it has been survivable. I had my first solo night as charge nurse on the unit the other day. Minus a few documenting technicalities I did well and it was a good night. It was a nice change of pace actually and I am looking forward to being able to grow in that role. The night I worked was incredibly calm so we shall see how I handle it when we have multiple codes and admits. Let's hope my black cloud won't follow me as charge :)

Over the past few weeks Chris and I have made an effort to really start living a more healthy lifestyle. We both have diet changes that need to be made so we have been cooking and grilling at home more. I have been doing a daily food log with the "Tap n' Track" app on my iPhone. Counting calories and making better choices has resulted in apx. a 10 pound weight loss! Considering I gained nearly 30 lbs since I stopped marathon running... I've got about 20 lbs to go but yay for being a 1/3 of the way down. Running has been difficult at times but I am slowly building up my endurance. Right now I'm just focusing on training for my favorite half marathon coming up in October.

These days I am trying to remember to just take every day one step at a time... and that way when life throws me a curve ball... maybe I won't get so upset over it? Well... that's the plan at least. :)

How is life lately for you?

Afraid.

I am a worrier. I always have been and to some extent will probably always be one. I think it has a lot to do with how I grew up and the circumstances in which I was raised. Everyone did the best they could but in many ways stability... especially emotional stability, was not something I saw around me often.
As I entered my young adult years and began living on my own I did everything I could to form a very structured, stable environment. Everything from the people I surrounded myself with to the home I lived in and the job I kept... it was all managed very closely. On the outside at least. In many ways my internal world was in utter turmoil but I did everything within my power to keep the things and the people around me constant. I did not and still do not handle change well.
When people left it scared me. When plans were derailed I panicked. When I knew it was time to move on to another job I froze... paralyzed with fear. I even remember a day, years ago when I still lived with my mother, it being an unhealthy living situation a close friend of mine asked me why I was hesitating to leave so much. "I don't know who I am if I am not my mother's daughter." I told her. I was so very afraid. Afraid that I would fail. Afraid that if I loved people they would leave. Afraid to get attached. Afraid to believe in myself. Afraid to trust that God had me in His hands. Afraid of branching out. Afraid. Afraid. Afraid.
I think, in many ways I am a thousand times better when it comes to not letting fear rule my life. Yet, there are still moments where it catches me off guard and I am struck with that familiar pit in my stomach. That gnawing feeling that it will never really be okay. 
This week has been filled with those moments. There have been things this week that have reminded me that no matter how much I plan and no matter how many walls I build up... life just happens. In a strange way getting married has magnified that fact. I don't know that I have trusted a human being as much as I trust my husband. I have let him into places that no other person has been. I have opened my heart to him... and his family. Those walls I have so fervently built to protect myself from hurt have been slowly displaced. I have become vulnerable to this man in a way I haven't ever in my entire life.... and you know what? It terrifies me.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I am convinced that it is too good to be true... and that someday, something will take this man that I love just to remind me that nothing I have is secure. To remind me that attachments are bad and that people will inevitably always leave. I know logically it is ridiculous but it is a real fear of mine and this week that fear has been thrown in my face in a very real and tangible way.
Luckily, I am blessed enough to have people in my life who understand what I am feeling and can even share their own journey with the very same thing I struggle with too. Still... I can't help but lay awake at night and wonder... what if?

What if life happens?

As a Christian I know I need to trust that God does in fact have me in His hands... because He does and He always has. Right now I am just afraid to believe it and that is difficult for me to admit... but I'm trying. So, today, my prayer is short but it is genuine and it is real.

“Lord, I do believe; help me with my unbelief.” ~Mark 9:24

The Hunger Games

For the first time in a while I have jumped on the bandwagon and just finished reading The Hunger Games Trilogy. I'm sure many of you out there who read it can understand my obsession with the books. I absolutely loved them. I'm a slow reader and finished all three in just over a week.
I saw the movie this weekend with my husband and thought it was okay. It did the book justice in some respects but really there is nothing like reading the book itself.

What I loved most about the books is that it wasn't until book three that I realized how attached I was to the characters. Yes, it is a story about war but it is a story about resilience and love and the human condition.

Warning: SPOILERS ahead.

 I found myself seeing the similarities of my relationship with my husband in comparison to Peeta and Katniss. From the beginning I wasn't completely sold on Peeta and it wasn't until we lost him a bit in the third book that I realized how much I had grown attached to him as a character. Watching Katniss fall in love with him over the series was so heartwarming because it wasn't based on lust or simply feelings.

I remember when I first met Chris I thought that there would be no way we would ever be anything but friends. I honestly didn't even think I would ever get married. I felt jaded and cynical and in many ways thought I was too broken. I had closed myself off to the idea of falling in love. Then Chris came along and pursued me and fought for me in ways that no one ever has... and if I'm completely honest it confused me at first. It was difficult to see what true commitment and genuine love meant. How that can be manifested in an authentic relationship.

Over the course of The Hunger Games we watch Katniss fall in love with the boy that fought for her in the most sacrificial ways. He risked his life. He gave her hope when she really had none. He loved her even when she did not love him back.

Katniss saw herself as "Violent. Distrustful. Manipulative. Deadly." Peeta loved her for the parts of herself that she could not see. He saw her worth. While she was doing everything she could to fight for her family... for her friends... for her district. Peeta was fighting for her.

Falling in love with Chris was a slow process for me. He wasn't the typical guy I had dated. It wasn't based on fleeting feelings or the ability to fill the voids in my life that had grown over the years. It was based on the fact that this man brought hope into my life. A security that no matter what happens... he would be there by my side. He saw in me what I could not see in myself.

So when I read the last lines in the book...

“So after, when he whispers, " You love me. Real or not real?" 
I tell him, "Real.” 

I can't help but think, how lucky I am to have a man in my life who never gave up on me. A man with a selflessness like no other and such a capacity to love. A man who was able to see past my broken, jaded heart into the person I could be. 


And I am so thankful that he patiently gave me time to realize just how real my love for him was. 

Best. Husband. Ever

I gave up sweets for lent this year....

Thankfully, Sundays are a built in cheat day.

Since I was working this weekend and that is usually the only time I get to see Chris...

 he decided to come and visit me at midnight on Saturday night. 

He was definitely the hit of the unit. 

Best. Husband. Ever