Right now I'm at Starbucks, waiting for my husband who is having his wisdom teeth pulled out. It's nice to sit and write and think for a bit. Life has been overwhelming lately.
I just finished my first section of classes and I could not be more relieved. I did well. Got an A in my technical writing class (which was not easy!) and so far I'm holding an A in my professional nursing class, so thats happy. It's been tough to keep up with all the writing that we have, but I've managed.
Last weekend Chris and I travelled up north along the coast to a small town called Gualala. Just for a night to get away and while it was a beautiful drive it was also terrifying.
Over the past year or so I have been struggling with having panic attacks in high or crowded places. For example: driving over bridges, getting stuck in gridlock traffic in the far left lane with no way to get out, airplanes in which you are stuck in for hours, driving on cliffy roads that have a drop off of about 1400 feet... diving into the ocean below.
Yeah those types of things will riddle me with fear...
Well, I had a full blown panic attack on the way up AND down the coast, which made for a very difficult trip for the both of us. My husband does not deal with anxiety well and since he has never had a panic attack himself... well for those of you who have had one, you know how awful it can be... but when you haven't had one it's confusing and frustrating. It wasn't until I told him that it literally feels like someone is holding a gun to your head, that he got it. It honestly feels like your heart is going to beat out of your chest and you are going to die at any moment.
We both just didn't know how to handle each other and it was one of those moments where you realize that marriage has such a huge learning curve. How to support each other when you are at your worst... even when your partner can't communicate what they need. Just being there. It isn't easy.
This entire week there has been this tightness in my chest. An overwhelming sense that there is something more to my anxiety then a physical problem. There is something I need to sort out and when I settle into the rare, quiet moments... it is there. This heaviness that needs lifting.
I have a feeling that if I let myself sit still long enough.... that if I quieted my racing mind and just listened to what my heart is trying to say... I would break open and fall to pieces.
I'm not ready for that though... so for now I am holding it together and trying to be gracious. In a few weeks I have 18 days off of work and I am looking forward to that time. Time to take care of me. To take a breath and let it out. To calm my frayed nerves... and hopefully spend some good quality time with my husband. That is what I am holding on for. Until then its one step at a time and a few long runs to keep me sane.