Tuesday, June 26, 2012


I am a worrier. I always have been and to some extent will probably always be one. I think it has a lot to do with how I grew up and the circumstances in which I was raised. Everyone did the best they could but in many ways stability... especially emotional stability, was not something I saw around me often.
As I entered my young adult years and began living on my own I did everything I could to form a very structured, stable environment. Everything from the people I surrounded myself with to the home I lived in and the job I kept... it was all managed very closely. On the outside at least. In many ways my internal world was in utter turmoil but I did everything within my power to keep the things and the people around me constant. I did not and still do not handle change well.
When people left it scared me. When plans were derailed I panicked. When I knew it was time to move on to another job I froze... paralyzed with fear. I even remember a day, years ago when I still lived with my mother, it being an unhealthy living situation a close friend of mine asked me why I was hesitating to leave so much. "I don't know who I am if I am not my mother's daughter." I told her. I was so very afraid. Afraid that I would fail. Afraid that if I loved people they would leave. Afraid to get attached. Afraid to believe in myself. Afraid to trust that God had me in His hands. Afraid of branching out. Afraid. Afraid. Afraid.
I think, in many ways I am a thousand times better when it comes to not letting fear rule my life. Yet, there are still moments where it catches me off guard and I am struck with that familiar pit in my stomach. That gnawing feeling that it will never really be okay. 
This week has been filled with those moments. There have been things this week that have reminded me that no matter how much I plan and no matter how many walls I build up... life just happens. In a strange way getting married has magnified that fact. I don't know that I have trusted a human being as much as I trust my husband. I have let him into places that no other person has been. I have opened my heart to him... and his family. Those walls I have so fervently built to protect myself from hurt have been slowly displaced. I have become vulnerable to this man in a way I haven't ever in my entire life.... and you know what? It terrifies me.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I am convinced that it is too good to be true... and that someday, something will take this man that I love just to remind me that nothing I have is secure. To remind me that attachments are bad and that people will inevitably always leave. I know logically it is ridiculous but it is a real fear of mine and this week that fear has been thrown in my face in a very real and tangible way.
Luckily, I am blessed enough to have people in my life who understand what I am feeling and can even share their own journey with the very same thing I struggle with too. Still... I can't help but lay awake at night and wonder... what if?
What if life happens?
As a Christian I know I need to trust that God does in fact have me in His hands... because He does and He always has. Right now I am just afraid to believe it and that is difficult for me to admit... but I'm trying. So, today, my prayer is short but it is genuine and it is real.
“Lord, I do believe; help me with my unbelief.” ~Mark 9:24

1 comment :

  1. Perhaps it shouldn't surprise you that fear is a common topic in the Bible and you are not alone in experiencing it. "Be not afraid" is said scores of times and hundreds of times if you consider the variant wordings. Thankfully we have the Lord and each other. Be not afraid...

    ~ Dad