This one really hit home...

Our marathon maniacs traditional group photo at this years race

Today, I woke up around 4pm and went about my evening as usual. Jumped in the shower. Called my MIL after seeing a missed call from her on my phone. And then after I got mostly ready for my work night, I checked Facebook and instantly saw it. My entire news feed was filled with updates from my running buddies who were all either sharing their sadness about the Boston Marathon or were trying to get in touch with those that were still MIA. I frantically started searching the news to discover what had happened and my heart just sank. This deep fear and sadness overwhelmed me so much... I had so many friends who were there. I saw the finish time clock as the bomb went off and I instantly thought... "Oh no I know so many who would be finishing right around the 4 hour mark." One of the bloggers I follow was just a 1/2 mile from the finish line when the bombs went off. 

Luckily, everyone I know is okay. All of our marathon maniacs accounted for and all of my running friends are still here and safe. Still, I can't shake this sadness deep in my being today. The running world is a strange group... a tight knit family where people from all walks of life come together in support and solidarity for the love of this sport and ultimately a love for each other. I am proud to be apart of it and I am so thankful for all of the people who have been apart of my journey as a runner over the years. 

My heart goes out to those that were lost and those that are critically injured. I know for so many that their lives will never be the same. My prayers are with you all. Tonight I will run and I will pray for safety and peace and comfort for all of us impacted by the events in Boston today.

Black Hawk Down

I have been a nurse at a Veterans Hospital for almost four years now. It is hard to believe that it has been that long. I haven't hesitated to say, especially lately, that this job of mine is not an easy one. Most of the time the difficult moments seem to out weigh the rewards. Still, every time I think about leaving this place I hesitate, and there is this scared, sinking, feeling in my stomach that tells me not to go. This overwhelming sense that this is where I am supposed to be right now. 

Last night, Chris and I watched Black Hawk Down and there was this moment at the end where Eric Bana's character says,

"When I get home and people ask me,'Hey, Hoot, why do you do it, man? What are you? Some kind of war junkie? I won't say a goddamn word. Why? They won't understand. They won't understand why we do it. They won't understand that it's about the men next to you. And that's it. That's all it is."

That hit home for me. I have said that so many times when I talk about our vets. The patients that I take care of are often a messed up lot. They have substance abuse problems, estranged families and multiple diseases as a result of self neglect and risky behavior. Of course some don't, there are some who are amazingly healthy and well adjusted, but sadly those are rare occurrences. Especially now that we are heading into the Vietnam war era of patients. PTSD is a given and many of these guys have some horrible experiences that no one else would understand but the guy in the room next to them. 

One patient told me a while back that he didn't even know what the Vietnam war was really about until a few years ago. His job was to retrieve dead soldiers out of the brush after major battles had occurred. That same guy also had newly diagnosed paranoid schizophrenia that was so bad he later threatened me and told me I was trying to kill him by inserting poison into the air filtration system. 

That was a relatively good day on the job ...just to give you an idea of what I mean by difficult. 

My job is exhausting ...and it wears you down ...and makes you feel powerless a lot.

But when I see movies like Black Hawk Down ...and when I see the 25 year old with half of his skull removed from an IED blast ...that is when I remember why I do this job. I don't always love it but I am always proud of it ...I am proud to fight for the soldier who fought so bravely for the guy next to him. 
I sacrifice a lot of sanity and a lot of myself for this job but I wouldn't have it any other way right now. 
Right now, I am proud to be a VA nurse.

Babies and Adulthood

I don't know about you, but in my neck of the woods it seems like everyone around me is either pregnant or just had a baby. Everywhere I turn ...at work, the blogs I read, friends ...so many babies and pregnant women around me. The second Chris and I got married the "So, when are you guys having kids?" questions came pouring in. To be honest, for most of my life, I did not want children and actually that was a huge discussion between Chris and I at the beginning of our relationship. For the most part, I had raised my younger sister and I felt like I had already done my job. I also always have this fear in the back of my mind that I just won't be able to handle being a parent. The sacrifice just seems to be too great and I'd rather not bring another little person into this world unless I was absolutely dying to take care of one.

I can confidently say that right now, I am not in any way dying to take care of another human being. Anyways, being an ICU nurse in a busy VA hospital, I feel like that is all I do these days. Between work and school I can barely keep afloat with basic things like sleep and a normal social life. The thought of being pregnant and then raising a child sounds impossible.

Still, there is this anxiousness in me whenever I see yet another pregnancy announcement. I'm 28 years old so it makes sense that this is the time when people are starting to settle into family life ...I remember having the same angst when everyone around me started getting engaged and married. Even when I wasn't looking to get married there was still this part of me that felt ...left out, I guess? Now, I think I'm afraid that some day when I actually am  ready to have children, that the time will have passed and we won't be able to have them or that it will just be too late. This dissonance in my life of knowing that I am not ready to have kids at all but that I guess maybe this intense feeling that I should be?  I know it will most likely be years before we decide to start a family because there is just too much to do before then, but I just can't figure out how to calm that nagging voice in the mean time. 

Vacation

This week I have been off of work and I have to admit that it has been a somewhat strange week. I've been waking up every morning and going straight to work on homework and school stuff. Between the multiple papers, quizzes and reading assignments, I have had plenty to keep me busy every. single. day. It has been boring and exhausting all in the same breath.

 Luckily, I have had the chance to catch up with some friends that I rarely get to see, which has been nice. My old roommates came over and we played mouse trap and clue and had an awesome dinner (burrito bar!)

 I have been obsessed with my brand new Blendtec blender and have been making green smoothies practically twice a day.

Chris and I went to see Jersey Boys, which was THE BEST. I usually am not a huge fan of musicals... loved performing them in high school and what not but I just could never get into watching them ...but Jersey Boys... I could see that one a few times over it was that good. Before we saw the show we stopped into a really cute diner, which I thought was fitting considering what we were seeing. :)

 All in all, its been a really good, productive week. Also, this is the first time in four years that I've been able to sleep like a normal human being without sleeping pills for longer than a week! So jealous of you day shift people! I have a few days left of vacation and I am definitely dreading going back to work, but for now I am really thankful for the pause button on all the stress. :)

The 17 mile drive

Recently, Chris and I went south to Monterey Bay, CA for our one year wedding anniversary and it was an amazing weekend. I would have to say that despite growing up just 2 hours away from this area and having been to Monterey downtown a number of times... I had never actually driven the famous 17 mile drive. 

 The entire drive is absolutely breathtaking and the whole time it felt like we had been transported to Hawaii because the water was so incredibly gorgeous with bright teals and aqua blues.

Rocky shores with white sanded beaches... and sand dunes around the bay.

It was so wonderful to have a lazy weekend of eating, relaxing and spending time with my husband in the middle of one of the most incredible places. It made me very thankful for my life and everything I have been blessed with this past year.

Having that time to get away, even for just a night. To slow down and enjoy life a little was nice... and so rare for me these days. 

I have been making a conscious effort lately to be more thankful... which I will write more about another day. It has been slowly changing me from the inside out and I am realizing that it takes a conscious effort... like eating right or exercising. I have to choose to be thankful every day... even when it seems like all hope is lost.

Even when I am exhausted and at the end of my rope... I have to choose to be thankful.

Sometimes when it gets a little hard to smile, I pull out these pictures and imagine what it would be like to have a little beach cottage on the edge of this coast.

A big porch and a large kitchen that looks out over the ocean views.

I can't help but smile then and suddenly I recognize the gift that I can even have that dream.

What makes you thankful friends?

HGTV and House Envy

Right now I am obsessed with basically everything that airs on HGTV. Shows like Income Property, Cousins on Call and List it or Love it have been perpetually playing on the TV in our house. I even got Chris hooked on it and we have been swooning over the gorgeous kitchens and open concept floor plans. Not to mention the ridiculously low housing costs of basically everywhere else in the United States in comparison to where we live. The SF bay area is about neck and neck with Manhattan these days and trust me when I say there is no housing slump going on here. In fact just this past month two townhouses in our very small complex went up for sale and were sold within a week or two of being listed. Not to mention the fact that one of them was listed for $639,000 ...for a 3 bedroom 2 bath 1500sq ft townhouse with HOA fees of $450 a month! Insane I tell you.

For the most part I never had a major desire to own a home. I have always appreciated the no strings attached approach to living that renting gives you. No property tax, no repairs and reno costs, freedom to move at any point...and then again there is also the downside of having no write offs when it comes to tax season. After filing for the first time as a married person this year I felt that dagger straight to the heart ...or more appropriately my checkbook. All that to say that this is the first time where I have been actively pining over the thought of owning a home.

I absolutely love where we live now and if we could I would buy the place in a heart beat. It's a definite fixer upper but it's all cosmetic stuff that could be fun to tackle. I have been finding myself thinking more frequently... "If we bought this place, first thing I'd do is get rid of this old carpet. yuck!" or saying "hey husband, I think I found my dream kitchen" Something along these lines would do. :)

It's hard not to get incredibly discouraged when I watch these shows though because realistically, I can't imagine ever being able to afford buying a house in this area and yet I have no desire to move away from here.
So for now HGTV will continue to be my vice and maybe someday I will be lucky enough to have a space where I can actually put paint on the walls.

Hannah

It is my first day off so my sleep is broken and I am awake at 4:00am.

I tried to close my eyes ...willing my mind to rest

but all that could cross my mind were the events of this week.

This week I took care of an alcoholic of 40 years. 

He had come down with a horrible bacteria infection that rendered him too ill to drink. 

His estranged wife explained a little of what had led up to this point 

but she had been through this before and could not stick around.

His daughter however arrived at the unit in a fluster of anxiety and fear.

Shuffling from side to side, adjusting her Raiders beanie every few seconds.

Hannah was her name.

I smiled, "I'm a Raiders fan too. My name is Andi and I'll be your dad's nurse until 8:00am".

She smiled and then quickly began asking very specific questions about her dad's health.

She followed up the questions with an immediate proclamation, 

"I am the one who takes care of him so if you have any questions..."

she trailed off, still nervously fidgeting and shuffling her phone from pocket to hand and back again.

She began to tell the full story ...of how it all began.

She was adopted ...like me

He was sober briefly ...until it went sour around her 8th birthday.

She has been taking care of him since she was ten years old.

Her mother gave up and has been living in a different section of the house for years now.

Hannah knows every detail of her father's history because she has been taking care of him since she was ten years old ...ten years old.

He wanted to sober up after being ill so she had been managing his withdrawals at home.

Every time he'd shake she'd give him a shot or two of vodka.

But the withdrawals became unbearable and he began vomiting and soiling himself and passing out. 

So she brought him into the Emergency Room and here we are.

I looked this little girl in the eyes and asked her, "How old are you?"

"I'm 18."

I closed my eyes and put my hand on my chest and had to pause for a moment.

"Hannah, I don't know if anyone has said this to you but I am so sorry. You don't deserve this because he is a grown man and he is your father and I am so sorry." 

I couldn't hold it in anymore and I began to cry.

Partly because I am devastated for Hannah 

but mostly because Hannah has that oh so familiar look.
I know how far she has to go in order to be healthy and whole 

and just how painful that journey will be for her. 

She stopped for a minute and just gave me that smile that comes when you're trying to hold back tears.

That moment when you know that someone gets it and that someone sees you... and that small ache rises to the surface.

She quickly stuffs it all back into her neat little box and the subject is changed.

I talk to her more and I encourage her to finish college ...transfer out of here a.s.a.p.

She nods and agrees, so there is hope for her.

This week Hannah broke my heart and I am awake now at 5:30am praying for her.

Praying that she will someday overcome the co-dependency that has been crafted into her being. 

Praying that someday she might find faith in God and peace in His grace.

Praying that someday she knows the love of a father that she never had

Praying that she gets into college and runs away from this mess

and that she begins to heal ...deeply heal.

This week I am praying for Hannah to know truth

and I weep for her ...even now, I weep.