Control- and the lack thereof

*One of my favorite pictures from Ireland. The definition of slowing down to me is an Irishman strolling down a country road in the middle of no where. 

Life has been a little nutty for me recently (let's face it... when is my life not nutty these days?) I have had my fair share of meltdowns these past few months but recently for some reason my life (or really my to-do list/schedule) feels totally out of control. I have always known that I am a complete and utter control freak. Certified, Type-A, cannot trust anyone with anything Control Freak. It isn't healthy and I know this but I have found ways to channel it that are 'normal' and somewhat healthy and in the environment I work in.... being a control freak is expected and actually highly valued. When you are dealing with someone's life it doesnt hurt to be able to control your environment (or at least most of it).

I think this need for control comes from a lot of different factors. I think it is a big part of American culture to be this way and particularly in the area I live... control over your finances, your home, your schedule, your career, control over people... all of those things are sought after. I also think for me in particular... most of my life has been lived in chaos. Most of my life I have been in survival mode... scraping by with a below poverty level income and working insane hours just to get by. When I settled into nursing it took a while to let go of that "OMG one wrong move and it all goes to hell" mentality. 

And while the addition of a relationship in my life has been one of the best things that has happened to me this year... I have to admit that it has proven to be difficult in ways I didn't imagine. Learning to balance time with family, friends and Chris has been tough. Really tough actually. When I was single I had fine tuned the world around me to fit together really well. I had found ways to control my environment... invested in everything enough so that I had just enough time alone, a lot of time with my closest friends and I began really investing into running and marathon training. I excelled at work enough to make me feel secure in my job and excited about the challenge that being in the ICU offered. Now I have to re-organize it all again. I have to find where it all fits and it hasn't been easy. 

What has surprised me more than anything about being in a relationship though is that I think in many ways it has magnified just how much I thrive on having that control. I have never been a fan of having to rely on people... for the most part (minus my friends) people have never been reliable. Now here I am in a serious relationship and the control freak in me is screaming "THIS IS NOT SAFE!" It's tough folks... I just don't quite know where the balance is. More often than not I tend to lean on the independent side of things more than the co-dependent side. Still, emotionally sometimes I feel like if I can't keep everything (people included) packaged up in the nice, neat little box I placed them... I'm afraid it will all fall apart... and so will I for that matter. Trusting that people will be there... trusting people in general is not a strength of mine to say the least. 

One of these days I will hopefully figure it out... but in the meantime I will lace up my shoes and go for a run. After all... there are few things in this world that a good run can't fix. 

Vintage Bridal Shower

A few weeks ago I hosted a lovely bridal shower at my house for one of my favorite co-workers who just got married. It was really fun and I enjoyed being able to host everyone and decorate for the party. I have been loving all of the vintage inspiration thats out these days and I was eager to use some of my ideas for the shower. I'm learning that you don't have to do a ton of work to make things look good... its really about being creative with what you have.

 

I collect glass bottles and I love using them as vases and centerpieces. 

The Happy couple :)

I saw these letters in a blog post by one of my favorite bloggers Lola B's. 

I found which place made them and just had to get them. You can't really tell but the letters are glittery and super cute. You can order your own at Paper Co Designs on Etsy. 

I love my girls. Its always a bit easier to stay sane when you have silly co-workers. :)

It was a great night and I just love how easy it was to put it all together. Congrats again to Jen & Cole :) <3

Blog Award!

The lovely Britt over at xox, b has given me the "I dig your blog award" Fun!
As per the award rules here are three random facts about me :)

1. I love to sing. I grew up in choir all through junior high and high school. As a matter of fact before I went into nursing I almost tried out for American Idol. So glad I didn't pursue music because I love nursing but now my patients are stuck hearing me sing along to the radio all the time. haha bummer for them.

2. As much as I love watching tv... (seriously Im hooked on like 15 different shows) I am not much of a movie person. In fact I finally saw Star Wars for the first time two weeks ago. Sad I know...

3. I hate peas. Like really really hate them. I hate them so much that if I have fried rice I will pick out every. single. last. one. Bleh, yucky peas.

Happy Thursday Folks... soon I will do a post on a very fun bridal shower (somewhat vintage themed) that I had recently for one of my fave co-workers. :)

Dallas

 

The thing that is so awesome about life-long, best friends is that they never change. Well…. they may change and life may change but the role they hold never seems to waver. A woven thread that makes it’s way through the timeline of things. 

My friend Ami and I are like that. I have known her since 2003 and we have been together through marriages, babies, school, graduations, hard times and good times. I have seen this girl through the mud and she surely has seen me through the thick of it too. Her girls are like children of my own and it has never been a question that we consider each other as family.

They recently just made a drastic life change… moving from Colorado to Texas so that Ami’s husband Andrew could start seminary in Dallas. It had been about a year since I had last seen them so it was good to finally get a chance to catch up and visit with my girls. We always have the best time sharing and laughing and filling in the blanks of what has happened since we saw each other last.

 I can tell Ami anything. Even the things I am not so proud of… even the things I don’t share with anyone else. Ami knows it all and it has always been that way. Even if I know she doesn’t agree with me… and even if I know it would pain her to hear it… I know she won’t judge and I know that whatever the case… she always has my best interest at heart.

I love that girl and her whole family a lot. They are my family and I have always been so thankful for the wonderful, steady existence they have had in my life. I can’t wait until I see them again and whether it is in Texas or California… I know it will undoubtedly be great because life is always just a little better when they are in it. 

Until then I will have these awesome pictures and memories that will brighten my day and remind me of just how incredibly loved I am. 

A Welcome Surprise

Right now there is a patient on our unit that I can safely say everyone... and I mean everyone dreads taking care of. He is one of those typical VA patients I speak of so often. He decided to get open heart surgery despite having active substance abuse problems. Can't quite remember if he actually told his surgeons about it before he went under the knife but all I can say is that as a result this man has been in the hosital for a long, long time. I'm talkin' months here. This man has been intubated and extubated and re-intubated multiple times. He has fought through multiple infections and bouts of sepsis. He has been so close to death and come through to the other side and is now on the verge of actually being transfered out of our unit. It's kind of a miracle, as a matter of fact.

He has also been one of the downright meanest people I have ever taken care of. He has called me and every other nurse who works with him pretty much every name in the book. He swears at you constantly and has even spit at people and tried to kick and hit them also. I'm tellin' you... this man is a real gem... and get this... his family members are even worse. These days people dread taking care of him more because of his family members than him and that's saying a lot! I even heard one of the nurses say today, "I would pay charge nurse $100.00  not to get that assignment!" I have to admit that I completely agreed with her.  

For the past two weeks I have had an assignment that was next door to his. I would walk by the room and politely smile and nod to him and his family... trying to have as little contact as possible while still remaining professional and courteous. Well, today as I passed by his room I saw him sitting up in bed, smiling and talking to his wife. Side note: he has not been able to talk the entire time I have taken care of him, he was either intubated or had a tracheotomy (which he still has). So I have never heard his voice. I have just read his lips this entire time because that was his only way of communicating.

When a patient has a trach they can't talk unless the tube that you see in this picture is able to be capped off and the patient can breathe on their own. It is a long process for someone who has been so critically ill to get to this point and it takes a lot of speech therapy and rehab too.

So back to today... As I pass by his room, I smile and wave at him and his wife. Then suddenly, just as I step out of his sight, I hear this deep, raspy, "Hello!" in response. I stopped dead in my tracks and backpedaled to his room, "Whoa!! Mr. X, I've never heard your voice before!!"

Something in me jumped at that moment and I knew he could see the genuine surprise on my face. Instantly, all the feelings of frustration and annoyance with this patient dissipated and I realized how much I actually cared about this man. He smiled at me like the Chesire Cat from Alice in Wonderland and we began to have an actual polite, civilized conversation about how much better he is doing and how exciting it is that he can actually talk now. Seriously, I just could not believe how different this man seemed. I have heard stories of recovered patients who come back to the unit as completely different people. People who were once horrible to their care givers are actually really wonderful when they aren't in the hospital. I know that people are often the worst version of themselves during times of sickness and severe stress but I just have never seen it in such a clear way.

I don't care if you are Mother Theresa... when someone calls you horrible names and swears at you and tries to physically assault you when all you are trying to do is take care of them... its hard not to build some apathy towards that person at the very least. I mean we're all human and even the best nurses have their limit. I definitely hit mine with Mr. X. Yet today none of that mattered. Today all I saw was a beautiful smile from a man that was finally able to use his voice.

It truly was a breath of fresh air and if I'm being really honest this guy totally made my day. It definitely was a welcomed surprise. :)

7 Quick Takes Friday

1. It has been a long week and it isn't over yet. My sleep schedule has been way off and it has really made this week exhausting. I have said it before and I will say it again... working night shift is tough. People often times are inconsiderate of your sleep schedule and you feel jet-lagged 24/7. Most people don't seem to understand that waking up in the middle of the day is the equivalent of you waking up at 2am and not being able to go back to sleep... and then having to go work a 12 hour shift in the ICU. Yeah... not fun. Luckily I have only one more 8 hour shift left and then I can hopefully catch up a bit on some Z's. :)

2. This past Tuesday it was my birthday and that unfortunately has contributed to my lack of sleep. I hate working on my birthday so I asked for that day off that way I could go to dinner with some close work friends instead of getting spit on like previous years. In order to get my full amount of work in though I had to work night shift the days before and after my birthday. Having one day off in between a stretch of work is horrible being a night shifter because if you mess your sleep patterns up you are basically screwed the whole week.... but that also means you spend your one day off being up all night while everyone else is sleeping. :/

3. I promise that I won't talk about sleep anymore during this post.

4. My birthday was incredibly fun and the celebrating isn't over yet. This weekend I will be heading to Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk with some of my favorite people in this world. We will spend the day on fun rides and rollercoasters and will also enjoy the oh-so-yummy junk food the boardwalk has to share. It should be fun. Hopefully I'll have some pictures to post after. :)

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5. This past weekend I ran my first half marathon since becoming a marathon maniac. It was held in San Francisco and was a charity race sponsored by The SF Giant's for Project Open Hand. The course was along the same road that the SF marathon began on, The Embarcadero. Best part of the race had to be meeting Brian Wilson and running it with some of my favorite running buddies. Actually I almost dropped down to the 10k distance but luckily my running buddies convinced me to stick with them and finish the full 13.1 mile distance. So glad I did too. Good times indeed.

6. I have been getting back into yoga lately. I bought a groupon for 25 yoga classes in my area and I'm excited to get back into practice. I have been fascinated with a form of yoga called Ashtanga Yoga. It's really cool and people who are really good at it can do things like this...

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7. One of the reasons I decided to run multiple marathons this summer was because the more events you do with the Rock n' Roll Marathon Series, the more medals you get. This week I got my "Rock Encore" medal in the mail for running the RnR Seattle and San Diego marathon! This thing is heavy and large and super sparkly and I totally debated on wearing it to work that day. Don't worry... I didn't :)

Happy Friday Friends! Have a great weekend!

Grateful

Working in a veteran's hospital you see a lot of things. A lot of substance abuse, mental health issues and alcoholism... PTSD is rampant in our patient population. It can be a rough place to work sometimes. It wears you down. People are bitter and angry and broken... lost and many times forgotten. 

It is not uncommon to have patients in our unit that have no visitors during their entire hospital stay. It is also very common to have families with very complicated backgrounds and delicate family dynamics. Often times we are not only caring for our patients but we are caring for their families too.  I think one of the reasons I fell in love with the VA is because of the people. One of my deepest passions in life is to show people their value and their worth. I think that is one of the things I have always valued about my faith also. Jesus was a man who loved people... the worst people too. The rejects and marginalized people that no one else wanted to fight for... he fought for them. 

If anything I hope that would be the one thing I can show people. That they are worth it. That they are valued... but most of all, that they are loved. 95% of the time it is not easy working with the patients in my hospital. There are moments though where it clicks and the 5% makes up for the rest. The moments where I am able to step outside of my own crap and realize that these guys are just hurting, broken people who need good care... those are the moments that matter.

I had a patient last week who was unlike the others. This patient had a large, close family. This patient did not have substance abuse in his background. He was a physician and a professor at a very prestigious medical school in the area. Still he chose to come to the VA for his care. His wife was saying how much he appreciated the care he received at the VA and she expressed how grateful she was too. Through foggy, tearful eyes she stroked her dying husband's hair and told him to keep fighting... and that she loved him more than anything in this world. She said that he was her best friend and that she was so grateful for everything he had given her in their life together. The love she had for that man was pouring through every tear she cried and the pain she was feeling was tangible.

It broke my heart and I had a hard time holding it together as I managed the care of this extremely sick man. She asked me how long I had been working in the unit and asked if I liked my job.

I stopped what I was doing because I wanted her to know how much I meant what I was about to say. 

"I love my job. It is an honor to serve these guys. They truly have given so much and the fact that we are able to cater to our veteran's in such a specific way really is so special. I love knowing that we can give back in that way... and especially that we can give such good care to people who often times are not appreciated or understood. I really love what I do and even on the hard days I am still grateful that I have a job where I can show someone that they are valued by the care that I give."

She looked at me and smiled ever so slightly as tears began to fall down her cheeks. 

In the midst of an incredibly exhausting week it was a 5% moment and even now... days later it brings a bittersweet joy to my heart and it reminds me of just how lucky I am.

 

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