January 27th

It has been one year since Chris and I got married. I have so many emotions about our anniversary. We have been through so much this year. Everyone told us that the first year of marriage would be the hardest.  I will say that we have been through a handful of things that have made this year challenging. I have no doubt that marriage is the most difficult thing I have tackled thus far.

We are lucky enough to be surrounded by amazing family and friends who have supported us and been there for us through this first year. I am so incredibly blessed with in-laws that I love just as much as my own family. I feel so at home with them and I could not imagine my life without any of them in it. 

If there is one thing I have learned this year about myself and about marriage it would be summed up in one word ...perseverance. Choosing to join my life with another human being has forced me to persevere through so much. When I was single I had the choice to run from and ignore a lot of junk within myself. Now that I am accountable to another person I have to reconcile all of these messy parts within myself. The moments when I don't feel like being considerate or gracious or loving I have to choose to think of the other person first. I have to choose to address the parts of myself that are selfish and defensive and just downright emotionally ugly. 

I know we have both struggled with learning to live with another person and adapting to the fact that your time is not solely yours anymore. It is shared with this other person who doesn't necessarily do things the way you would. We have had to figure out the balance of life together instead of life as a single person. 

We have survived job transitions, the loss of family members that were integral parts of our lives, and me starting school all in this first year. It definitely hasn't been easy...

but it has been absolutely the best thing I have ever committed myself to. This man that I married has made my life so much brighter, happier and full of love in ways that I never could have imagined if I had chosen to stay single. 

Marriage is the most sanctifying process I have ever endured. The love I receive from this man is one of the greatest gifts I have been given. The ways he fights for me and chooses to love me even in the midst of my mess ...it has not only been humbling but transforming in so many ways. I am so lucky to have someone so caring, loyal, patient, and strong. 

Chris, I love you more than you'll ever know and I can only hope to be the wife you deserve every day. Thank you for loving me in all the ways that you do. Thank you for always striving to be a better man. Thank you for being you. 

Happy Anniversary husband. Here's to many more. 

Things I Miss

Going through my old photos the other day made me realize how much I miss photography... among many other things. 

Happy Monday Friends

ICU Nursing 4 years in...

For a while now I have been thinking about why I have such a difficult time blogging about nursing these days. I think it is a collection of things but the main one is mostly just because I have nothing to share anymore. When I first started this blog I found excitement in everything I did. I enjoyed finding the shareable moments in every experience... good or bad. Being a new nurse meant that every task was a challenge and it was fun to share it with others. I also loved the moments where I felt the reward of nursing... the tangible patient care moments that "made it all worth it."

I think if I am honest with myself, I would say that those moments are rare now. The work is still difficult but in a different way. It isn't challenging anymore... just hard. Long hours, night shifts and a messy sleeping schedule. The politics of a failed economy and its impact on a government hospital inevitably mean that budget cuts create a not-so-great work environment. All of that to say that I guess considering everything, I have not much of a desire to come to this space of mine to write about my job. Because to be honest that is all it is right now... a job.

Not to say that I don't have aspects of it that I still appreciate and maybe even love... but for the most part I have to pray to God multiple times a shift to remind me of why I wanted to be here in the first place. The good thing is that I am making some efforts to open up other doors in the future. I am chugging away at school so I can get my BSN and eventually my MSN (not sure in what yet). And truthfully I think things are in a good place because I don't hate my job like I did a few months ago. I think I am just beginning to consider the possibilities outside of the ICU. So we shall see...