Rough Day

Today is one of those days where I wish I wasn't a nurse. I dream of having a job where life and death is not on the table. Where the pressure to be perfect and always "on" isn't quite so strong. Where family members aren't skeptical of you right off the bat. Where doctors talk to you like you are a human being and not a servant. There wasn't any one thing that happened that caused this horrible day... it was busy and crazy and exhausting as always. 

Today it felt hopeless though.... I felt hopeless. As in "what's the point?" hopeless. Two patients with metastatic CA that I am poking and prodding and watching everyone freak out about when really they should be on a morphine drip in the hospice unit.

I don't know what it was about today but I felt like a failure walking out of that ICU. Like I messed it all up... and honestly I think it is because I don't agree with what I do half the time I'm at work. Forcing procedures on patients who do not want heroic measures.... it just doesn't settle right with me. Nursing today is getting harder and harder. More responsibility, more expectation.... so much pressure and stress to never make a mistake. And for what? For a patient who is going to die in a matter of months... weeks or days even. We do all of this for what? Is it for the patient or for our own peace of mind?

In the end we all have to go at some point... at the very least we can go in as little pain as possible and with a bit of dignity left. A choice in it all. I never understood why people would want to become hospice nurses but now... now I get it. I have a feeling I might end up down that path someday myself. 

Right now, all I can do is go to sleep and hope that God will give me the grace to be an ICU nurse for a little bit longer. 

Picture Post

I need a break from researching the nursing interventions for central line infections... so I've decided to post random pictures that I took in the past few months. Hope you all enjoy!

Running these days... my favorite road trail 

 Mother's Day brunch at my house...

Lemon and Berry water... so refreshing and easy too!

Summer fruits are the best!

My first CSA box! 

So many good fruits and veggies! I'm excited to invest in a local,

 organic farm that will deliver my yummy goodies once a week!

Happy Tuesday Friends!

Life Lately

I should be doing my homework right now but my brain has turned into complete mush... so here I am catching up on a long overdue post. I am warning you now (husband this one is for you) that this post will most likely be full of grammatical errors. Last week I began my technical writing class and I have been completely overwhelmed with my lack of writing skills. I have always known that I am horrible with grammar and punctuation... writing etiquette etc. But what I love about this place is that I don't really care if I write incorrectly. Because this place is where I can write like I think and for me that is fine and dandy. Take that writing teacher! No APA format here, no sir.

On that note... school is in full swing and boy is it way harder than I was expecting. Every week I have a 5-10 page paper due, a quiz, a test, and loads of reading/research for each class and I am taking two of them. One nursing related and one writing class. It's exhausting. Hopefully this program won't completely run me into the ground. One thing I will say though is that so far I am actually enjoying the nursing class. The reading is interesting enough and the assignments aren't full of busy work... only slightly.

On the work front things are steady. Summer is here and so far *knock on wood* it has been survivable. I had my first solo night as charge nurse on the unit the other day. Minus a few documenting technicalities I did well and it was a good night. It was a nice change of pace actually and I am looking forward to being able to grow in that role. The night I worked was incredibly calm so we shall see how I handle it when we have multiple codes and admits. Let's hope my black cloud won't follow me as charge :)

Over the past few weeks Chris and I have made an effort to really start living a more healthy lifestyle. We both have diet changes that need to be made so we have been cooking and grilling at home more. I have been doing a daily food log with the "Tap n' Track" app on my iPhone. Counting calories and making better choices has resulted in apx. a 10 pound weight loss! Considering I gained nearly 30 lbs since I stopped marathon running... I've got about 20 lbs to go but yay for being a 1/3 of the way down. Running has been difficult at times but I am slowly building up my endurance. Right now I'm just focusing on training for my favorite half marathon coming up in October.

These days I am trying to remember to just take every day one step at a time... and that way when life throws me a curve ball... maybe I won't get so upset over it? Well... that's the plan at least. :)

How is life lately for you?