Life Lately in Photos

yummy smoothies :)

First time my hand was free from the cast after surgery!

Crocheted blanket for the little bundle of love below

love her 

Trip to a cabin in the Sierra's with my favorite people and husband

 Capitola

My favorite beach with my awesome sister in law

 A trip down memory lane... I was a funny kid

 Best Birthday Breakfast ever

Best Birthday Cupcakes ever 

January 27th

It has been one year since Chris and I got married. I have so many emotions about our anniversary. We have been through so much this year. Everyone told us that the first year of marriage would be the hardest.  I will say that we have been through a handful of things that have made this year challenging. I have no doubt that marriage is the most difficult thing I have tackled thus far.

We are lucky enough to be surrounded by amazing family and friends who have supported us and been there for us through this first year. I am so incredibly blessed with in-laws that I love just as much as my own family. I feel so at home with them and I could not imagine my life without any of them in it. 

If there is one thing I have learned this year about myself and about marriage it would be summed up in one word ...perseverance. Choosing to join my life with another human being has forced me to persevere through so much. When I was single I had the choice to run from and ignore a lot of junk within myself. Now that I am accountable to another person I have to reconcile all of these messy parts within myself. The moments when I don't feel like being considerate or gracious or loving I have to choose to think of the other person first. I have to choose to address the parts of myself that are selfish and defensive and just downright emotionally ugly. 

I know we have both struggled with learning to live with another person and adapting to the fact that your time is not solely yours anymore. It is shared with this other person who doesn't necessarily do things the way you would. We have had to figure out the balance of life together instead of life as a single person. 

We have survived job transitions, the loss of family members that were integral parts of our lives, and me starting school all in this first year. It definitely hasn't been easy...

but it has been absolutely the best thing I have ever committed myself to. This man that I married has made my life so much brighter, happier and full of love in ways that I never could have imagined if I had chosen to stay single. 

Marriage is the most sanctifying process I have ever endured. The love I receive from this man is one of the greatest gifts I have been given. The ways he fights for me and chooses to love me even in the midst of my mess ...it has not only been humbling but transforming in so many ways. I am so lucky to have someone so caring, loyal, patient, and strong. 

Chris, I love you more than you'll ever know and I can only hope to be the wife you deserve every day. Thank you for loving me in all the ways that you do. Thank you for always striving to be a better man. Thank you for being you. 

Happy Anniversary husband. Here's to many more. 

The Road to Forgiveness

Over the years I have noticed this shift in myself. This inability to handle people who are manipulative, mean or passive aggressive. Chalk it up to age or experience or just shear exhaustion of living life the other way... living with an emotionally abusive parent for years will do that to you. 

I think I have always tended on the side of transparency and maybe even bordered on brutal honesty. Although, I'm sure if you asked Chris about my communication skills, he would tell you that I have my fair share of "shut down" moments where I am a horrible communicator. I hate that about myself and it is something I have actively tried to work on these past few years.

Still, I would like to believe that I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and even though I'm not perfect, I try to be gracious with other people's feelings. I'm not perfect but I try.

For some reason, this week has been a complete barrage of people being insensitive to just down right malicious. One day in particular was filled with back to back cry worthy moments.... and these incidences were from people I love dearly to complete strangers. It hurt... a lot. 

Over the course of the night I became more and more angry that I was being treated this way. I let it stew inside and it began to fester like mold taking over rotten fruit. 

I just couldn't let it go. I mean... It's not like I'm perfect. I hurt people all of the time and I say things carelessly too... not realizing how it might be perceived. I really do try to be gracious with others. Especially when you just never know what is going on with the other person. Again.... giving benefit of the doubt here is so key. So, why was I the brunt of so much animosity? Why were my feelings not being considered? By the end of the day I felt defeated and utterly exhausted from it all. 

 I came home and curled up in the arms of my husband and I cried and vented and cried some more... until I eventually fell asleep. 

This week has been long and it has taken a toll on me. Most of today I have been thinking about why I just couldn't let it all go. Even after people said their apologies and validation was given... I still felt this anger simmering beneath the surface. I was still hurt. I hadn't forgiven them. 

Even if there was no "I'm sorry" or validation or redemption. I still need to forgive. I know all too well that holding on to that type of resentment does no good. It harms no one but myself and the festering will only get worse and more caustic as time goes on. I still haven't sat down long enough to really sort it all out and I probably need to just pray for the grace to let go. 

Such a simple concept that is so difficult to execute. The road to forgiveness is humbling and difficult to traverse. It is a two way road. The ability to give the benefit of the doubt even in the midst of mistake. The choice to let it go for your own sake. Trusting that justice will prevail in the end. 

 I need to forgive for the sake of others.... but also for me too. Cause one day, soon I'm sure, I will need someone to do the same for me. And to be honest... I think our world can use a little bit more forgiveness... don't you?

Afraid.

I am a worrier. I always have been and to some extent will probably always be one. I think it has a lot to do with how I grew up and the circumstances in which I was raised. Everyone did the best they could but in many ways stability... especially emotional stability, was not something I saw around me often.
As I entered my young adult years and began living on my own I did everything I could to form a very structured, stable environment. Everything from the people I surrounded myself with to the home I lived in and the job I kept... it was all managed very closely. On the outside at least. In many ways my internal world was in utter turmoil but I did everything within my power to keep the things and the people around me constant. I did not and still do not handle change well.
When people left it scared me. When plans were derailed I panicked. When I knew it was time to move on to another job I froze... paralyzed with fear. I even remember a day, years ago when I still lived with my mother, it being an unhealthy living situation a close friend of mine asked me why I was hesitating to leave so much. "I don't know who I am if I am not my mother's daughter." I told her. I was so very afraid. Afraid that I would fail. Afraid that if I loved people they would leave. Afraid to get attached. Afraid to believe in myself. Afraid to trust that God had me in His hands. Afraid of branching out. Afraid. Afraid. Afraid.
I think, in many ways I am a thousand times better when it comes to not letting fear rule my life. Yet, there are still moments where it catches me off guard and I am struck with that familiar pit in my stomach. That gnawing feeling that it will never really be okay. 
This week has been filled with those moments. There have been things this week that have reminded me that no matter how much I plan and no matter how many walls I build up... life just happens. In a strange way getting married has magnified that fact. I don't know that I have trusted a human being as much as I trust my husband. I have let him into places that no other person has been. I have opened my heart to him... and his family. Those walls I have so fervently built to protect myself from hurt have been slowly displaced. I have become vulnerable to this man in a way I haven't ever in my entire life.... and you know what? It terrifies me.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I am convinced that it is too good to be true... and that someday, something will take this man that I love just to remind me that nothing I have is secure. To remind me that attachments are bad and that people will inevitably always leave. I know logically it is ridiculous but it is a real fear of mine and this week that fear has been thrown in my face in a very real and tangible way.
Luckily, I am blessed enough to have people in my life who understand what I am feeling and can even share their own journey with the very same thing I struggle with too. Still... I can't help but lay awake at night and wonder... what if?

What if life happens?

As a Christian I know I need to trust that God does in fact have me in His hands... because He does and He always has. Right now I am just afraid to believe it and that is difficult for me to admit... but I'm trying. So, today, my prayer is short but it is genuine and it is real.

“Lord, I do believe; help me with my unbelief.” ~Mark 9:24

Life through my lens

Things I have loved recently

Date night with the husband that included s'more making!

Random parts of San Francisco that remind me of why I love this city. 

It has character.

The place where we got married... SF City Hall at night is gorgeous.

Love this photo so much. 

My favorite girls wrapped up in snuggies, cuddled up with 

the best husband ever. 

 I just love these guys. They make my heart smile.

What things are making you smile these days?

The Hunger Games

For the first time in a while I have jumped on the bandwagon and just finished reading The Hunger Games Trilogy. I'm sure many of you out there who read it can understand my obsession with the books. I absolutely loved them. I'm a slow reader and finished all three in just over a week.
I saw the movie this weekend with my husband and thought it was okay. It did the book justice in some respects but really there is nothing like reading the book itself.

What I loved most about the books is that it wasn't until book three that I realized how attached I was to the characters. Yes, it is a story about war but it is a story about resilience and love and the human condition.

Warning: SPOILERS ahead.

 I found myself seeing the similarities of my relationship with my husband in comparison to Peeta and Katniss. From the beginning I wasn't completely sold on Peeta and it wasn't until we lost him a bit in the third book that I realized how much I had grown attached to him as a character. Watching Katniss fall in love with him over the series was so heartwarming because it wasn't based on lust or simply feelings.

I remember when I first met Chris I thought that there would be no way we would ever be anything but friends. I honestly didn't even think I would ever get married. I felt jaded and cynical and in many ways thought I was too broken. I had closed myself off to the idea of falling in love. Then Chris came along and pursued me and fought for me in ways that no one ever has... and if I'm completely honest it confused me at first. It was difficult to see what true commitment and genuine love meant. How that can be manifested in an authentic relationship.

Over the course of The Hunger Games we watch Katniss fall in love with the boy that fought for her in the most sacrificial ways. He risked his life. He gave her hope when she really had none. He loved her even when she did not love him back.

Katniss saw herself as "Violent. Distrustful. Manipulative. Deadly." Peeta loved her for the parts of herself that she could not see. He saw her worth. While she was doing everything she could to fight for her family... for her friends... for her district. Peeta was fighting for her.

Falling in love with Chris was a slow process for me. He wasn't the typical guy I had dated. It wasn't based on fleeting feelings or the ability to fill the voids in my life that had grown over the years. It was based on the fact that this man brought hope into my life. A security that no matter what happens... he would be there by my side. He saw in me what I could not see in myself.

So when I read the last lines in the book...

“So after, when he whispers, " You love me. Real or not real?" 
I tell him, "Real.” 

I can't help but think, how lucky I am to have a man in my life who never gave up on me. A man with a selflessness like no other and such a capacity to love. A man who was able to see past my broken, jaded heart into the person I could be. 


And I am so thankful that he patiently gave me time to realize just how real my love for him was. 

Wedding Post #2

We had our reception at a small restaurant called Nola. The food was delicious, the service was stellar and I couldn't have been happier with how laid back and fun it all was.

It was nice to be able to expand our guest list a bit more to include some of the people who couldn't come to the ceremony. A bunch of my favorite co-workers came and they are always such a blast.

The girls went crazy over the Mardi Gras beads... I still have a basket full of them at home.

Our favors were plantable paper hearts... seeds that are embedded in recycled paper that you can literally put in soil and watch grow into a beautiful mix of flowers. I hand stamped the envelopes and decorated each little flower pot with ribbon or adhesive borders from the Martha Stewart craft line. I still have yet to plant ours at home but I am excited to see how well it works.

 

 Our cake was a mix of layered Red Velvet with cream cheese frosting and chocolate cake with dark chocolate, hazelnut ganache. It was SO good.

This was my failed attempt at warning Chris not to shove cake in my face....

it obviously didn't work. Silly boy. He's lucky I love him so much.

The toasts were given by Ami and Chris' dad. We were given a beautiful wedding prayer by him that brought tears to my eyes. It was so touching and so thoughtful. I am thankful to be surrounded by so many people of faith and wisdom. I know our marriage will be better because of it.

So that's it. I am now a married woman. Who would have thought? Just a short time ago I was convinced that I would be single for the rest of my life. And while I think that life can be very well lived single or married... I am very glad that I met Chris and I am so thankful to be sharing my life with my best friend. 

<3

and we're back!

Hello Friends!

I'm officially back and ready ( I think) to start blogging again. Life has been full of a lot of stuff... for lack of a better word. There are many adventures to catch up on but as promised I will start off with a wedding recap post.

Let me just say that I think I am the luckiest girl in the world because I got my dream wedding. It was small and easy (in comparison to most weddings). It was fun and I can honestly say that the day was perfect and let's face it... how many brides can actually say that nothing... and I mean nothing went wrong on their wedding day?

I was lucky enough to have my wonderful friend Tenley Clark as a photographer and she did a phenomenal job... plus it was just fun having her around for the day. <3

The day started off a little rushed since we had to be at City Hall early in the morning and it is an hour away from our house but that was really the only slightly stressful part of the day. We even ended up getting to our ceremony appointment 30 minutes early!

 

I was lucky enough to have my bff Ami and her entire family in town which is quite a feat and it absolutely made the day. I consider them to be my family and I was so glad they could be there.

My shoes were awesome but probably the most uncomfortable things in the world... guess that's what happens when you order things online without trying them on first.

My family :) These are my girls and they truly mean the world to me. When Chris and I dropped them off at the airport at the end of the weekend I sobbed like a baby the entire way home. It was just so great having them meet everyone here in California and I loved creating such awesome memories with them here. Love them <3

San Francisco City Hall is absolutely gorgeous. People come from all over to get married in this building and I cant believe I was able to get married there for less than $100!

 The gang. Some folks are missing because they were out of town but I was so glad I was able to have my bff's from Cali there. The limit for city hall ceremonies is small... 6 guests only and we were able to sneak in 20! Sadly I had to really limit the amount of people we invited but I was so thankful for those that could come.

Mom and Dad. :) I am so lucky because I have the best in-laws ever. They truly are a godsend because I didn't grow up with a very strong family and in so many ways they have been such a blessing to me. I definitely feel very loved by Chris' entire family and am so thankful for that.

Our county clerk was so cool. He saw how many people we had with us and just goes "Ok everyone crowd around!" He was so laid back about everything... it made the whole ceremony fun and easy. That day there was a large group of school kids on a field trip and they ended up just crowding on the stairs behind us and watched the entire ceremony. When we turned around they all yelled out, "Congratulations Chris and Andi!!!" Later one of the little boys walked up to me and handed me a white rose. It was incredibly sweet and it were the small moments like those that made the day special.

Of course we have to give credit to the guy who introduced us... my old roommate Sam (who I miss dearly btw... so weird not living with him after all these years!)

 

I really can't believe everything went as well as it did... I am a lucky girl. I love being married and I have the most thoughtful, caring, crazy, loving husband in the world.  :)

Next post I will have pictures of the reception which was awesome as well. Happy Friday friends!