Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Enough.

I have heard people describe motherhood as if you forever have your heart walking outside of your body. I feel it's more akin to living life without skin on. Every part of my being feels every emotion so deeply. Every crack in my character glares at me. I have days where my inadequacies haunt me at every turn. Days where I feel incredibly resilient and utterly fragile all at once. I feel vulnerable to every whim of this tiny human being. That in this world we have so much pain and so much hurt I cannot shield him from. There is hatred and violence. People who bully, people who rape and murder and destroy. There is so much I cannot protect him from. There is so much I can't protect myself from. In a place where only the select few are created equal. Where sometimes we fall short and we cannot cure the evil around us. When it is up to me to bring the light into the dark world when sometimes I cannot see it myself. It is my job to point out the helpers, to raise a helper, and to be one too.
Motherhood has pushed me beyond what I ever thought I could do... could be.  The ability to exist in all of my flaws. To live in vulnerability. To dare greatly. To exist wholeheartedly. To know somewhere in the depths of my soul that maybe... just maybe... I am enough. That in the midst of the mess, the heartache, the demolition of humanity... there is hope and I am enough. Do you hear that? You are enough.
That even in a world where very few things are in our control, the love we have, the time we give, it is sufficient. Even when everyone else says we should be more, do more, give more. That who we are... even when we are broken and flawed... it is enough. That even when it hurts, even when I feel raw and like my entire being is fragile and hanging on by a thread. Even when I am spent and exhausted, that being me is enough. To understand that it is okay to lean into the sadness, to feel the sharp edges, to dig in deep and know that you will be better for it. To know that the essence of motherhood is not letting the difficulties define you, but the ways in which you overcome shine more brightly and sound more loudly than the naysayers around you. 

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