Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Babies and Adulthood

I don't know about you, but in my neck of the woods it seems like everyone around me is either pregnant or just had a baby. Everywhere I turn ...at work, the blogs I read, friends ...so many babies and pregnant women around me. The second Chris and I got married the "So, when are you guys having kids?" questions came pouring in. To be honest, for most of my life, I did not want children and actually that was a huge discussion between Chris and I at the beginning of our relationship. For the most part, I had raised my younger sister and I felt like I had already done my job. I also always have this fear in the back of my mind that I just won't be able to handle being a parent. The sacrifice just seems to be too great and I'd rather not bring another little person into this world unless I was absolutely dying to take care of one.

I can confidently say that right now, I am not in any way dying to take care of another human being. Anyways, being an ICU nurse in a busy VA hospital, I feel like that is all I do these days. Between work and school I can barely keep afloat with basic things like sleep and a normal social life. The thought of being pregnant and then raising a child sounds impossible.

Still, there is this anxiousness in me whenever I see yet another pregnancy announcement. I'm 28 years old so it makes sense that this is the time when people are starting to settle into family life ...I remember having the same angst when everyone around me started getting engaged and married. Even when I wasn't looking to get married there was still this part of me that felt ...left out, I guess? Now, I think I'm afraid that some day when I actually am  ready to have children, that the time will have passed and we won't be able to have them or that it will just be too late. This dissonance in my life of knowing that I am not ready to have kids at all but that I guess maybe this intense feeling that I should be?  I know it will most likely be years before we decide to start a family because there is just too much to do before then, but I just can't figure out how to calm that nagging voice in the mean time. 

Saturday, March 23, 2013


This week I have been off of work and I have to admit that it has been a somewhat strange week. I've been waking up every morning and going straight to work on homework and school stuff. Between the multiple papers, quizzes and reading assignments, I have had plenty to keep me busy every. single. day. It has been boring and exhausting all in the same breath.

 Luckily, I have had the chance to catch up with some friends that I rarely get to see, which has been nice. My old roommates came over and we played mouse trap and clue and had an awesome dinner (burrito bar!)

 I have been obsessed with my brand new Blendtec blender and have been making green smoothies practically twice a day.
Chris and I went to see Jersey Boys, which was THE BEST. I usually am not a huge fan of musicals... loved performing them in high school and what not but I just could never get into watching them ...but Jersey Boys... I could see that one a few times over it was that good. Before we saw the show we stopped into a really cute diner, which I thought was fitting considering what we were seeing. :)
 All in all, its been a really good, productive week. Also, this is the first time in four years that I've been able to sleep like a normal human being without sleeping pills for longer than a week! So jealous of you day shift people! I have a few days left of vacation and I am definitely dreading going back to work, but for now I am really thankful for the pause button on all the stress. :)

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The 17 mile drive

Recently, Chris and I went south to Monterey Bay, CA for our one year wedding anniversary and it was an amazing weekend. I would have to say that despite growing up just 2 hours away from this area and having been to Monterey downtown a number of times... I had never actually driven the famous 17 mile drive. 
 The entire drive is absolutely breathtaking and the whole time it felt like we had been transported to Hawaii because the water was so incredibly gorgeous with bright teals and aqua blues.

Rocky shores with white sanded beaches... and sand dunes around the bay.
It was so wonderful to have a lazy weekend of eating, relaxing and spending time with my husband in the middle of one of the most incredible places. It made me very thankful for my life and everything I have been blessed with this past year.

Having that time to get away, even for just a night. To slow down and enjoy life a little was nice... and so rare for me these days. 

I have been making a conscious effort lately to be more thankful... which I will write more about another day. It has been slowly changing me from the inside out and I am realizing that it takes a conscious effort... like eating right or exercising. I have to choose to be thankful every day... even when it seems like all hope is lost.
Even when I am exhausted and at the end of my rope... I have to choose to be thankful.
Sometimes when it gets a little hard to smile, I pull out these pictures and imagine what it would be like to have a little beach cottage on the edge of this coast.
A big porch and a large kitchen that looks out over the ocean views.

I can't help but smile then and suddenly I recognize the gift that I can even have that dream.

What makes you thankful friends?